Fall, Cancer, CoVid and Girdles
Fall. 🍂 It's beautiful, but it has never been my favorite season. I think it was the major change from carefree summer at the lake, to back to school and back to the cold. As I got older, I missed the kids when they got on the bus, Brian headed to the field all day and half the night, and the summer warmth that I so love, with its sunshine and water was shelved until next year. I've definitely noticed some Seasonal Affective Disorder over the years. Now fall is the time that John died. With every red, yellow, and orange showing up in the artistic palette of the leaves, we get closer and closer to November 4th.
October is the month I was diagnosed with breast cancer. (Please get your mammogram). 💞 A friend asked me to travel with her to Florida last year in October, and honestly, while I wanted desperately to go see Mr. Golden Sun, I knew it would mean postponing that appointment yet again, as I was supposed to go in April, then August. Between CoVid and family events I had rescheduled 3 times. By the time I was diagnosed, I had cancer in both breasts - one Triple Negative and the other Her2 Positive. So, maybe October was the perfect month to go in for that mammogram, as it was still Stage 1, but postponing it again would, I think, have had terrible consequences. It's been a long year. Another long year. A different kind of long - filled with doctors, surgeries, chemo, and naps. Exhausting. Sometimes I sit back and think of everything we've endured the last four years and I wonder how we are still standing.
I used to love the saying "no storm lasts forever" . . . until John died. My heart told me that the storm of his loss would never go away, and that is true. And then, for my birthday, a friend gave me a bracelet that says "stronger than the storm". And I like that. That resonates with my soul. Life can suck. You can certainly be given more than you can handle. But you can endure whatever this life throws at you because you stand firm in the confidence of your faith and trust in God.
You live each day with the knowledge of eternal life and a new earth. Of no more tears and no more pain. Of reuniting. Of joy. The time we spend here will be short and some of it will be awful, but not all of it. The majority of it, hopefully, will be great and the times that suck, well, they do grow you. They give you a tenacity that you didn't know you were capable of. They give you a black and white version of all the gray that came before. They cut through the little stuff, give you a voice, and show you so clearly what is important, and what is not.
So the cancer journey - where is that at? I had my second and hopefully last surgery on October 1st. I had the expanders taken out, silicon "gummy bear" implants put in, (and oh my goodness, they already feel so much better than the expanders!), liposuction in my thighs and sides to harvest fat to place around the implants to make them look more natural, and I had an oophorectomy. What a fun word. That means I had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, due to the BRCA1 diagnosis.
I have 12 new openings in my flesh. 7 punctures for the lipo, 3 for the oophorectomy, and 2 for the implant insertion. Does it hurt? The lipo areas are the ones that hurt. I have no feeling in my breasts, underarms, or back area by the armpits. I'm black and blue in the stomach and thighs. But it's not bad at all. Tylenol helps - I just have some pain sitting up and when I cough or sneeze . . .so, I can't complain. I'm tired. Probably the worst part is wearing the compression garments for the next month. I have a whole new respect for the corset generation. Ish.
So I woke up after surgery in a crotchless girdle and mastectomy bra. Right?? You just have to laugh sometimes. I keep trying to imagine this team of people stuffing me into the "girdle" with foam pads and gauze pads, zipping up the sides like a too-full suitcase. And yes, I said crotchless. Seriously, I was just as surprised. I guess they really don't want you to spend any time not being "compressed". It did actually work - but I switched out of it as soon as I could and into my version of Spanx. Just as uncomfortable, but a complete garment! I was looking like the Michelin Man coming out of the hotel.
My plastic surgeon, Dr. VJay at Mayo Rochester, wouldn't liposuction the belly that I have so meticulously cultivated for her . . .she said there is always a chance I could need that area for a Diep flap if anything went wrong with the implants. I was bummed! I had envisioned them sucking out all those pounds I put on during chemo! Lol, but the thighs and love handles appreciate the boost! Can you imagine your doctor saying, "please keep that extra fat on, we need it". Glorious.
Kate and I had a good time together at Mayo with lots of coffee and donuts. She's a great caregiver, very calm, and a perfect chauffeur! It was so comfortable for me to have her by my side. Jason and his mom held down the fort at home, and I was able to snuggle the Grands a couple days later in the comfort of my recliner. They are a healing balm like nothing else.
Bergen has decided he loves tractors, so I dug out the pail of all things John Deere and the old Corny Cornpicker and Johnny Tractor books that belonged to his uncle. I think John would have loved that. John actually told someone his name was John Deere one day:). It'll be four years soon, and I am feeling his loss every day. It's a hurt so big and wide that I no longer try to describe it.
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| John Ryan, looking a bit like his tractor-loving nephew in this picture. |
I told my cousins and nieces about the BRCA1 gene testing. One cousin had it done already and she's negative. Another cousin, Elizabeth Marks, just passed away last week from brain, lung, and stomach cancer. She was younger than I, and just diagnosed in July. She was a beautiful soul, and though I only met her once in person, I feel that loss so deeply, especially for my uncle Bob. He was almost a twin to my mom. The two blonde-haired blue-eyed kids in a family of brunettes, like my Grandmother. They didn't grow up with their father in the home, he chose another path, but those two had his light coloring. Bob is definitely a favorite. He spent a couple weeks in Minnesota every summer and the combination of him and my mother together was always a hoot. This picture is a perfect example of the two of them. Grandma looks just the same as I remember, serious!
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| My Grandmother, Uncle Bob and my Mom |
Yesterday, we got the text with the Vimeo video from the Beck's Dealer Camp this last summer. If you recall, Bethany asked if she could use my blog post in her talk about culture. I'll pop in a link below, she did a wonderful job with her presentation. Our part comes in around 36:00. We are so thankful to her for sharing John, for sharing our story, and for the impact that Beck's Hybrids has had on our lives. We have met so many amazing people. Forever friends. I hope you get a chance to watch the whole thing.
We also had quite a CoVid experience in August. We lost Brian's mom and a brother-in-law, Brian ended up with blood clots in both lungs, and I contracted it as well. I went in for the monoclonal antibodies and had no trouble. I elected not to be vaccinated with everything else I had going on. Will I now? Only if it stops me from traveling. That's just my personal opinion. You do you.
Well, thank you all for the prayers - I can report that I am doing well in the BC journey. I have a few more immunotherapy infusions, and hopefully, after that, I will be done with this cancer chapter. Thank you to those of you who stopped by to visit, or with coffee, food, or gifts - you warmed my heart, honestly. Your continued kindness is amazing to me. Sending you all so much love. ❤️
P.S. The hair came back, along with the eyelashes, and it's fantastic. I missed it so much. I got my inch+ and I feel like a person again. Will I grow it back out? Yes. I miss the feeling of it. I want to see what my natural color is these days, and I'm excited to see if it'll be wavier than it was before. Although, this short stuff is EASY! Maybe one day I'll come back to it.
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