Hellos & Goodbyes

So, I think I told you that I've been having a hard time keeping myself together.  Well, last Sunday, I felt like I was having a super solid day. I was well rested, the kids were home, it was an okay day. We went to church, I got through the worship songs without breaking down!  Music. That goes straight to the heart, doesn't it?  But I was doing it! I was on my way to a dry Sunday.  Until I saw him.

A young boy with his mom.  He came over to her with that look of excitement on his face.  You know the one:  "Mama!" When they are young enough to be excited to see you, to give you a big hug, to still sit on your lap.  You can rub their back and maybe sneak in a kiss on the back of that neck.  Get in a smell.  A nuzzle.  Feel his hair.  I think most of you can relate.  I smiled.  I just watched them interact.  It was so sweet.  And then my mind betrayed my solid day.  It interjected: "What wouldn't you give to go back, if even for a minute?"  How do you walk into a place strong and okay and in a few seconds you are inconsolable?

I kept watching and wishing and trying to remember when I was the mama the little boy came running to.  When it was my neck the child was wrapped around.  What he smelled like.  The feel of his cheek against mine.  Those chubby hands on either side of my face, holding it in place and telling me something so very important. And then I heard the Father gently and so kindly whisper this to me.  

BELOVED, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LOOK BACK . . . LOOK FORWARD!  LOOK FORWARD TO THAT REUNION.  LOOK FORWARD TO THAT DAY.  IT'S COMING.  AND IT WILL BE BEYOND ANYTHING YOU CAN DREAM OR IMAGINE. THAT REUNION CANNOT BE COMPARED TO ANY HERE ON EARTH.  LOOKING FORWARD IS FAR BETTER FOR YOU THAN WISHING FOR WHAT WAS.

And I had to sit down.  I had to get out my pen.  I had to write down what I heard Him say.  It was a gift.  Children are a gift.  

Are you taking these moments for granted? I sure hope not.  Raising kids is the hardest job you'll have.  But don't wish it away.  Give them your attention.  Look them in the eyes.  Let them know how important they are, be present!  You think you're so busy ... until something happens and time stands still.  Nothing matters then, it can all wait. Make time for what's important.  For who is important.  

When you're an Army mom, those hellos and goodbyes are infrequent.  The hellos are anticipated for months, the visits too short, and the goodbye comes way too quickly.  The hugs are big and the love is genuine.  You know that it'll be a long time before you see each other again, but you are sure that you will see them again. Until you don't.   

John used to get so melancholy when we were at the airport waiting to send him back to base.  His base was 3,250 miles from home.  The other day, I found a different set of his medical records.  These were from the hospital on base.  The hospital that treated him after his injury.  The hospital that prescribed over 200 opioids and hundreds of gabapentin.  It only takes 20 pills/3 days to become addicted.  What if they had followed through on getting him to a specialist? What if they could have gotten him into surgery earlier than we did in September 2016?  Would it have been a different outcome?  What did he go through being in constant pain, 3,250 miles away from home, away from help, away from his family, for over a year?  Did that contribute to his addiction?  Was the emotional stress too much?  How alone did he feel?

And again, my Heavenly Father says to my heart, don't look back.  It's not in your ability to change the outcome - only to anticipate your reunion, honor his memory, do what you can to change things.  Fight. He is with me.  He is safe.  He is no longer in any pain. 

Another goodbye . . no happy faces here.  Brian, John and Morgan.