The Awful Anniversary
John has been gone a year. 367 days without seeing our son. It's been a hard Fall. Full of memories, and of loss. I'm crabby and irritable. All I want to to do is stay home. It was a rough weekend, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Every month, as a bereaved parent, is another awful milestone, that leads to the dreaded one year mark. Hi, welcome to the twelfth month. Please relive the horror of that day over and over and over again in your mind. We'll wait over here.
I woke up at 6:30. On the dot. 6:30 was the time John's alarm was set to go off. When he didn't shut it off, and the puppy was barking, we knew something was wrong. <Enter life stopping devastation.> So let's recap this year. For all you glass half full types . . . what good came out of it? Um, nothing. Nothing good resulted from my son's death. Sorry to disappoint. Oh, and guess what, LIFE DIDN'T GO ON. There was no silver lining in this dreadful cloud. I am told that my capacity for empathy and understanding will grow. Maybe I'll be more kind. That would be nice. I don't feel very kind right now. I feel tired, confused, sad, lonely and cheated. Yep. That's how it feels. A slow constant twist of a dull dirty knife that's stuck in your heart - forever.
All the bereaved dread the year anniversary. Not only are you reliving the event but you are in the same season of the year, which brings back even more memories. Cut to Fall, falling leaves, harvest, the start of the holiday season, cold weather, etc. And, what's worse, you've figured out that it isn't getting any better. You aren't feeling any relief, but you know that the "culture" will be screaming for you to move forward. Get over it. Move on. Look for the silver lining. Count your blessings. Or at least stop torturing the rest of us with the details, the loss, the sadness. Yes, that's the expectation. But I'm here to shatter those myths. Every month felt bad, a year feels bad, and I expect that this hole will always be empty, as the one who was filling it (John) is no more.
The weekend was busy. The kids were home. Grandbaby was adorable and did bring so much joy to us, as always. But the daughter was struggling, the girlfriend was struggling . . .the sadness, it just follows you. No one felt like going anywhere or doing anything. Except for Sunday. Brian and I really wanted to go to church. I prepared for it. I don't like surprises. I wanted to know if Pastor Steve was preaching, or if there was a special speaker or event. So I asked. Pastor Steve told me he had been planning the sermon for six months - and on November 4, he was talking about loss as the ultimate broken relationship. (God's timing). He was nervous that it would be hard for us to hear. He felt unqualified to broach the subject. He said he wanted to know where we were sitting so he could avoid eye contact with us. 😂 (I'll have you know his tears started before mine!) I said it was the perfect topic for the day and that he would do a fantastic job. I wasn't wrong. We invited our local loss friends to sit with us. We had a row filled with the families of three lost children and one husband. And it was as perfect as a one year death anniversary can be.
It wasn't easy for him to preach about - in fact he said he had been putting it off for a long time. I don't blame him. If you haven't been dealt that card, why on earth would you want to "go there"? Enjoy your life before devastation strikes! But I'm so glad he did. I think I'll add a link. It was that good. Now let me brag on this guy a minute. When we walked through the doors one Sunday, after our loss, he had no idea who we were. But he had heard the name. We introduced ourselves, and from that moment forward, we felt known. We felt seen. We felt like we had a friend walking beside us in the most compassionate and caring way. He even asked if he could be present at the plea hearing the day after our "awful anniversary", and we said yes. Please. That support, that love, that care - I see Jesus there. And I feel like the church ended up across the lake from my childhood happy place for such a time as this. (The music was perfect as well - you'll find that on Vimeo as well).
Something else happened last weekend. My best friend of 22 years, who sat in our row on Sunday as the one who lost a husband, opened up a one of a kind Domino's Pizza in our hometown. It's a legacy store, in honor of her late husband and the father of her six children. Bill Graves died tragically in a plane crash in 2015. His son, Blake, a lifelong friend of John's, was in charge of the build and the gorgeous design. It's amazing. We had a fantastic reception on the day, and a ribbon cutting the next morning. I am just in awe of them. The family has been through so much, but they are doing it well, and honoring God every step of the way. Let me show you:
Isn't that a beautiful family and the coolest Domino's you've ever seen? Yes. It was a great distraction - and I got to see several people who flew in from all over the country. What a neat community we live in, such great support, despite the snowflakes in the air tonight! I'm so happy for them and so proud of them. Susie and I have been through a lot of life together, it hasn't all been easy, obviously. But I'm so thankful to have her in my life, to hold my hand, to remind me that we'll get through this. She asked what I wanted to do that day. We sat together in church and then we ate Domino's pizza. Perfect.
One more thing on the anniversary list. If you've followed my blog, you know that we've been anticipating a trial. It was scheduled to start on November 13. Instead, the defendant accepted a plea deal on November 5th. Yes, we had to go to court the day after the awful anniversary. But we were pleased that it ended in a plea, saving both families from more devastation. I will forever be grateful to the team we worked within the District Attorney's Office. They were a group of the most caring professionals I've ever had the chance to work with. We felt heard. Our thoughts were always taken into consideration and they wanted the outcome to be one we felt we could live with. We had a great support team with us in court. It meant so much to us to be surrounded in that painful chapter. In wasn't easy for me to invite anyone into that situation. But at the end of the day, you have to let people help, support, and maybe just sit beside you. Again, Dave and Mary were by our side, along with Pastor Steve, Sue, Morgan and Brenda. It was a relief, but also a very hard day. I've been dealing with this court case since the day John died. The parties involved in the investigation and prosecution have become friends. Heck, the Detective even called to check in after he heard the plea was accepted.
If I step back and look at the big picture like Mary explained to me today on the phone . . .another instance of God's perfect timing, I can see that I have been immersed in so many other side issues and haven't just been able to focus on my grief journey. I've been John's voice and representative. Tried to be strong for the family - and support them in all the different stages this year has brought and it hasn't given me a lot of headspace for much else. John's death alone could take every available moment - and yet I've been trying to come alongside others in this journey, speak out about substance abuse disorder, share my most personal thoughts and truths in my writing, and it doesn't always end up with you getting the best version of me. Hey, I don't often see a great version of me. I'm a work in progress. I've taken a few steps back in the journey and I apologize if I've been difficult, emotional, overly sensitive. I'd like to tell you that'll change soon . . but there are no guarantees.
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