Do You Want To Read My Journal?

I am a lover of paper.  Of words.  Of journals.  I have so many journals . . .all colors and sizes, and it's been my modus operandi to write for a few days and then stop.  I think as much as I like to document my thoughts and feelings, what would always happen is, I would end up just blathering on about my feelings, venting, or writing about trivial things when I thought the words should be rich and deep. Well, let me encourage you to write, write anything and everything because one day those words will be important.  So important.  

I found a journal that I bought in early 2017, with a gift card to Barnes and Noble.  It seemed a bit extravagant, it has a buttery soft leather cover, it's covered in words,  and has thick quality paper. It reminds me of something old and worldly. I didn't want to ruin it by writing once or twice and leaving it in the pile, so I decided to fill it with things I learned, quotes I liked, prayers and responses.  

I've said before that God certainly has been preparing me as best He could have for "the devastation". In this particular journal, I laid open my heart to Him.  I asked Him to save my son. I told him of the struggle, the fear, the mountain before us.  I told him often and through many tears.  I did agree to trust him in that nighttime conversation, and later, He answered me in the most heartfelt way. But I forgot.  Until this week. Between moving back and forth from the lake to home and purging and moving things around in the house, I had misplaced this particular journal. Let me share with you his answer to my plea.  Maybe one day I'll share with you my prayer to Him, but not today.  It's too hard.

5.15.17 (Six months before John died)

Behold, I give you revelation, that it may come to pass, and I will instruct you in the way you should go, but you must follow me, keep your ear pressed to me that you might know my voice and hear the words that I will speak.  Your joy comes from the Lord.  I am the Great I Am.  I give life and I give it in abundance.  I go before you and I go behind you, you are hemmed in.  Never will I leave you or forsake you.  My Presence remains.  You do not walk alone.  I am doing great things for you.  STAND.  Believe in me.  Turn your heart to me.  I am vastly aware of your suffering - I am not still.

Trust in me.  I will give you the desire of your heart.  I am at work. You will see my hand.  I will deliver him into the land that flows with milk and honey.  I will protect him and keep him for you.  He is mine says the Lord.  I love him with an everlasting love and I give you peace.  Do not let your heart be troubled.  Live expectantly knowing that I hear your cries, that I see your heart.  I too want him to be free.  I do not fail.  I do not wither.  I say to the mountain, move, and the mountain obeys me.  I say to the stronghold, move and it moves.  I say to it be gone and it will be gone.  I am the master.  I am the creator.  I am the designer.  I fix the brokenhearted and I bind up their wounds.  In me, you can have perfect peace.  My timing is not your timing.  But be assured that I am doing a great thing.  You will see the glory of God in the midst of this thing.  My hand is not short, nor weak.  Will you trust me?

Guys, I do trust.  I did trust.  I am trusting.  Naturally, when I wrote this down, my heart wanted, and my prayers were, for John to be set free from addiction.  For the reason that only God knows, the way he was set free, was in death.  For free he surely is.  Is it what my heart wanted? Of course not. Could I fathom it, can I now? No.  But God is right, of course.  He literally said to me 6 months before John died that "He would keep him for me, and bind up his wounds".  My timing and His are not the same. He sees the big picture, he hears my cries, he loves "our son".  It was not His will that John would pass away in his sleep from a fentanyl overdose at 24. But it was allowed. John had a choice - despite the insidious way the drugs had infiltrated his mind.  But we don't know what his future held - only God knows. This journal has several entries that I believe foreshadowed this event. Where God was truly assuring me that He is in control. That He loves John more than even I do. That He was at work, in all the details, working for our good, despite our horrific loss. Shortly before this entry is the story of Kate's pregnancy and the perfect timing of our sweet baby Daveney.  I detailed that story in the blogpost I will link to here, click  here:  https://portalitythoughts.blogspot.com/2017/06/god-is-in-details.html

Also in this journal was a entry about my friend encouraging me to start blogging. I wrote down some ideas in it, some blog names, etc.  He has used this blog to help me deal with the loss, meet people that have come alongside me, teach others about grief, and hopefully to let others know that they are not alone.  

All along, He has been walking beside us - and if you've let Him into your heart, He is walking alongside you as well. This Word from him, it's for you too dear one. He hears you, he hears your cries. He loves you so very much. Sometimes he heals totally and completely, sometimes the healing isn't what we expect or want in our human frailty. Sometimes, the healing doesn't come on this side of Earth - but in the Heavenly places. We want our days to be perfect, we want everything to go smoothly, we don't want to suffer.  But the thing is, we live in a broken world, and we are going to suffer.  We are going to lose. We are going to hurt. But God. But God is still on the throne.  He is still in control.  

He has had a plan for our redemption and our rescue laid out from the first occurrence of sin in the Garden of Eden.  When you study the Bible, you see that in every step of our journey, He is pointing us to Eternal life in Him, through Jesus. Again and again - He is always making a way for us. 

In our Bible Study this week, we studied Noah and the flood.  When God put the "rainbow" in the sky and gave us a covenant promise that he never again would wipe out every living creature from the face of the Earth - it was just called a "bow". Like the weapon.  God was literally laying down arms - disarming himself from destroying us like we deserve.  He baptized the earth in water, making it clean and new, a fresh start.  Just like our baptism shows our "new life" in Him.  He even stated over and over again through Moses that he would never again bring a flood. Why did he repeat himself so many times?  To ease the fear of every dark (rain) cloud.  So every time it rained, Noah and his family wouldn't run in fear thinking they would be flooded out again. He did not want them to live in fear. He doesn't want you to live in fear either.  The "rainbow" in the sky, occuring after rain and combined with light - remind us of the promise.  The bow, and the light - Jesus is that light.  That promise still holds true for you and I.  A sign for us to see, to remember, to help us trust.

The details, the provision, the care . . .this is just one little story, but His word is filled with our rescue!  Verses and stories, again and again,  of how once Adam and Eve sinned and no longer lived in paradise - that He was preparing a way for them to get back home.  Back to Eden.  Back to the garden.  Back to Him.  Home to Heaven.

He doesn't always answer the way we want or expect.  But He does answer.  He is for you, dear one.  His shoulders are big enough for you to lean on.  He's got this, even if it doesn't feel like it.  You are never alone.  You are heard.

I'm going to leave you with a quote from a show Morgan and I watched on Netflix. Super scary, but whoever wrote the series had to have suffered loss, possibly a child:

Nell: "I learned a secret, there is no without.  I am not gone.  I am scattered into so many pieces, sprinkled on your life like snow.  There's so much I want to say to you all . . .I wouldn't have changed anything, I need you to know that.  Forgiveness is warm, like a tear on a cheek, think of that and of me when you stand in the rain.  I loved you completely, and you loved me the same.  That's all.  The rest is confetti."

I wrote that in my buttery soft journal too.  It spoke to my heart.  I hope this encourages yours today.