Day 1599 - Dear John

Dear John, 1599 days have passed since we lost you.  I miss you.  I can't put into words how much I miss you.  It's a ripping, a tearing, a knife through the heart kind of missing you.  I dreamt about you last night.  Somehow, a bag of your things showed up and there were two shirts in the bag that smelled like you, still.  I gave one to Dad and told him to smell it.  I was busy pressing my face into the other one.  I might even miss your smelly feet . . .

I was holding your nephew over the weekend, and I was looking deep into his eyes.  Your sister and I have been wondering if he's going to have his Daddy's brown eyes, or have hazel eyes like you did. On Sunday, as I held him, they were mostly green.  And his eye lashes - wow.  I asked him if I could have them and he said "yes, Grandma".  As we sat there and I tickled his baby flesh, I was so reminded of you.  I opened my mouth to tell him that Grandma used to have a little boy - and the tears instantly came to my eyes.  I stopped.  I told him I loved him instead.  He said "I yuv you Grandma".  Oh, what a balm those beautiful kids are for my heart.  Thank you Lord.

I asked Dad to bring me to a movie last Friday.  When I saw the advertisement for "Dog", I thought it would be funny and I remembered how you liked Channing Tatum.  A Malinois is not a German Shepherd, but they sure look similar!  I thought it would be fun to go out and do something we haven't done for years now - and I thought the movie was a comedy.  Well, trigger warning and spoiler alert - while the dog doesn't die, the movie has Channing taking the dog to a funeral for the dogs owner.  A soldier.  Military funeral, PTSD, the dog laying on the army boots, suicide, drug use  - oh, it's all there.  It brought up a host of feelings, questions,  grief and longing.  I felt bad for taking Dad - he had no idea what he was about to see.  Yes, it ends well - but the stuff in the middle about took my breath.  Gold Star families be advised.  I didn't sleep much that night.

I also dreamt about a verse - Matthew 7:14 "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it".  For some reason, that verse has always sort of bothered me.  I must have listened to an explanation that didn't resonate with my soul at some point.  However, in the dream, it was so plain how Jesus stands there as the gate.  I'm sorry to tell you that all roads do not lead to God.  One road does, and it is Jesus Christ.  There is no cost, no toll, no duties to perform - you only need to believe in him.

The days we are living in are hard.  This war in Ukraine is devastating and confusing.  We have a hard time wrapping our heads around bombing hospitals and schools - destroying towns and leaving a wake of rubble.  But we shouldn't be surprised.  The Bible clearly tells us that there will be dark days ahead.  

2 Timothy 3:1-5 says "But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.  For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power."

And, 1 Timothy 4:1 "But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines and demons."

We are a confused people.  We've turned to all kinds of things instead of the GATE - who is Jesus.  

Acts 2:21 says "And it shall be that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved".  

It's not a difficult road to the gate, to Jesus, you just have to stop looking at all the counterfeits that Satan has placed along the road.  We would rather pray to a a woman who needed saving herself (Mary), or the Saints of long ago, who were just people like us.  They cannot save you or forgive your sins.  Only Jesus can do that.  

Satan is the great deceiver.  He wants to turn your eyes from your Savior 
and onto anything else. Are you practicing witchcraft? That is Satan. Are you worshipping idols? What is an idol? An idol is when something or someone becomes more important to us than God. Worshipping idols isn't just praying to a golden calf, its where you place your faith, your hope. It's where you spend your time - Is your pleasure and comfort more important to you than God? Your phone? What consumes most of your thoughts? Do you believe that praying to angels can get your prayers answered? That is Satan. 

Satan was a angel, lest you have forgotten. Satan seeks to confuse you, to keep you from your true salvation that only comes through the narrow gate. Through one person - the Son of God. Jesus. He is the one who gave up his life to save yours. But you must choose Him, because the default is the counterfeit. Satan. I know I'd rather have one real $100 bill than a thousand counterfeits. It might seem good at the beginning, but it's worthless in the end.

The Bible also tells us that the Earth will be destroyed and remade.  The world seems so intent on climate change and electric cars and not using the resources God gave us. Yes, we are commanded to steward the land - but something tells me that the people who are making millions on climate change aren't very interested in what God has to say.  They are missing the whole point.  We should be more concerned with our souls.  I hate seeing the ocean polluted and the animals dying - and we should steward the resources - but it cannot become something that we hold more dear than the ONE who CREATED it. Don't worship the created, but the CREATOR.

God will remake the Earth - it will be brand new.  And that could be much sooner than we think at the rate things are going.  We do not know the day and time, and certainly people have been waiting 2,000 years, but God does not lie.  He keeps His promises. It will happen.

Isaiah 65:17 "See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.  The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind."

Revelation 21:1 "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and here was no longer any sea."

There is a plan in motion and it will come to fruition.  If He says He will do it, He will.

This is my hope.  This is how I can get up each morning and live.  I know that this world is short and will pass away - and the Bible says that we will live for a thousand years on this earth will Jesus.  After that, the great judgement will take place and Satan will finally be thrown into the lake of fire.  I have eternity to look forward to, and as a believer, John is already there, with Jesus.  

Sometimes people tell me that John is right here with me, because it sounds like a comfort.  But it is not comforting to think that he would continue to endure this life - as a shadow following us around.  No.  He is not here.  He is in Heaven with his Savior.  He has no pain, he doesn't see our suffering.  He may be aware of what is going on down here on some scale, I don't know for sure.  The Bible does say in Romans 8:34 that Jesus is at the right hand of God and is interceding for us.  I think the saints in Heaven might be joining him in praying for us, but that's just my opinion.  If he was tasked with hanging out with us as some sort of ghost, that would be more like Hell.

We cannot make up what we want to believe just because it gives us a modicum of comfort.  I don't have an angelversary (not a word for a reason) - because my son is not an angel.  Literally.  We don't die and become angels and head right back down to earth to "guard" our loved ones.  Sure, it makes for an entertaining movie, but that's exactly what it is.  Fiction.  Angels are angels and people are people.  Angels are messengers of God, yes, they do the work God created them to do.  We do not become them anymore than they become us - but that shouldn't make us sad.  God created us for fellowship with Him.  That's amazing. He loves us as our Father.  

We need to be so careful what we believe and who we believe.  If your church isn't telling you to read your Bible for yourself, be worried.  If you are placing your faith in anyone or anything other than Jesus, be afraid.  The time is coming, dear friends, when the choice will be made for you - and I guarantee, if you don't chose Jesus, you will not see Heaven.  You will not be reunited with your loved ones and live life eternal in the Presence of God our Father and Creator.  You will, by default, belong to Satan and to Hell.

As always, I won't apologize for my words or my beliefs, you are entitled to your own, and I won't argue with you.  I will pray for you.   I will ask that our Heavenly Father open your eyes to the truth and to the saving power of his one and only son, Jesus. 

Trusting in Jesus doesn't make your life perfect - it makes your future perfect.  Eternal life, with Jesus, that is perfect.  This is how I get through my days, with my faith as my strength.  As people tell me how strong I am for enduring what I have, I smile, and I know that Jesus is my strength and him alone.  On my own, I couldn't do this. I can do nothing. HE IS MY HOPE AND MY FUTURE.

I can't help but think of the other moms I have become acquainted with, and how they have suffered recently.  Michelle V lost a second child - a Marine, a hero.  She has joined the ranks of the Gold Star Families.  I hope you'll all hold her tight.  What is worse than losing a child?  Losing two.  And my friend Kay, she unfortunately is following in my footsteps with breast cancer.  She started chemo a few weeks ago.  A family in our area also lost a son who was in the military.  My heart breaks for them.  I am so thankful that they too will be welcomed into the Gold Star Family group and I pray that it lifts their hearts, even a little.  

And I think of Michelle Coe - who lost her life to heart failure at 52.  I think it was a broken heart to be honest.  I wrote about Michelle and a few other moms in one of my first posts.  Click Here to Read

Michelle touched my heart deeply, and it gives me comfort to know that she has been reunited with Josh, and she has gotten to experience a John hug.  I keep this note from her close to my heart.  When I don't want to leave the house or talk to anyone, when I want to give up writing, when I miss John, when I need a friend, I read it and re read it.  She understood the pain of the loss, and you need that in your life when you lose your child.  I hope she knew how much she was loved.