The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

Dear John, 1599 days have passed since we lost you.  I miss you.  I can't put into words how much I miss you.  It's a ripping, a tearing, a knife through the heart kind of missing you.  I dreamt about you last night.  Somehow, a bag of your things showed up and there were two shirts in the bag that smelled like you, still.  I gave one to Dad and told him to smell it.  I was busy pressing my face into the other one.  I might even miss your smelly feet . . . I was holding your nephew over the weekend, and I was looking deep into his eyes.  Your sister and I have been wondering if he's going to have his Daddy's brown eyes, or have hazel eyes like you did. On Sunday, as I held him, they were mostly green.  And his eye lashes - wow.  I asked him if I could have them and he said "yes, Grandma".  As we sat there and I tickled his baby flesh, I was so reminded of you.  I opened my mouth to tell him that Grandma used to have a litt...

I lift up my eyes to the mountains where  does my help come from?   My help comes from the  Lord ,  the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121 Yesterday, I wrote an article and submitted it to an online magazine.  In it, I made no reference to my faith – just grief.  I usually always end my writings with a positive faith-filled message.  But I didn’t.  Why?  Because someone commented on a piece I wrote, saying that it was "great up until the religious part."  Friends, without the religious part, the faith part, the actual reason for our hope part – it’s just words, in my opinion. So I wrote a sad piece on grief and what to expect, without sharing my hope. I'm about to correct that now. Because my hope, my faith, my Jesus? They are everything to me. I don’t understand a world where things just accidentally fell into place. Where there is no Creator, no author, no God of the Universe. ...

Last Wednesday, we met with some fellow BP's, {Bereaved Parents}, and we were talking about near-death experiences. You've probably all heard or read at least one story about someone who died and was brought back. (i.e. Heaven Is For Real). The stories often include a description of seeing a brilliantly white light and going towards that light. So in this conversation, our friend talked about a NDE (Near Death Experience) that someone he knew had had. When he died, and before he was brought back by the emergency personnel, he went into that bright white light and he said that the feeling of being in that light was one of pure love, peace, and joy...just an unbelievable and indescribable feeling. He said there was nothing like it on Earth. As I heard that and remembered other stories my husband has been sharing while reading books on Heaven, a thought struck me. Euphoria. I've been reading a lot about drug addiction. You get pretty interested after losing a child ...

  Sunset on Seven Mile Beach, Grand Cayman My brother-in-law, Chris, sells Beck's Seed. It's new to Minnesota. This made it possible for Brian and I, as his customers, to take a trip to Grand Cayman.  We had scheduled this trip before our son John passed away,  and had originally worked the dates out so we could celebrate John's birthday here in Minnesota, and then leave for Grand Cayman to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary.  More firsts.  Brian and I hadn't taken a vacation without our kids for years.  When John passed away on 11.4.17, we weren't sure we wanted to go, to be quite honest,  but we agreed we could use a week of sunshine and anonymity. We had heard from Chris, repeatedly, what an amazing company Becks is. How down to earth and faith-based their organization is. We had no idea.  Obviously, since we lost John, we've been feeling a bit reclusive, vulnerable and sad. It's hard to be around the people we do know, let al...