Poetry
A Bitter Day
it’s a haze
but I remember
gathering on that cold gray day
to say goodbye
in pomp display
The flag was draped
across your box
we heard the Taps
we heard the shots
then they folded
up your flag
saluted us and
said your name
They thanked us for
your service son
and finally
when they were done
gave it your soldier friend
who knelt down
on one knee
and with those words
presented me
the country’s thanks
and sympathy
Another soldier lost his life
A different war
a different fight
an enemy got in your head
and wouldn’t leave
til you were dead
So dark and gray
that cold day
honoring you
in that way
so raw
so real
so sadly true
so unbearable
losing you
And then we all
just walked away
and left you there
on that cold day
Alone, unmarked
like no one cared…..
except my heart…
it broke in two
and half of it stayed
there with you
For SPC John Ryan Schlegel
1.25.93 – 11.4.17
Victim of the War on opioids
Wanderer
against your chest
hugging you hello,
goodbye,
or just because
Or feel your whiskers
on my cheek
when I lean in
to kiss you goodnight.
I won’t communicate
quietly
by a look
through our eyes,
yours, gray/green
changing color
with your shirt.
You won’t lean against
my shoulder
or gently push the small
of my back
ushering me in or out.
I won’t see your eyes twinkle
or your smile . . .
captivating and capturing
my heart
all those short years ago.
I won’t see the expression
in your eyes
telling me if your happy
or sad,
doing okay
or not.
I’ll miss your warmth.
Your presence.
The way you occupied
the space next to me.
I meditate on the song,
my song for you,
saying . . .
“Earth has no sorrow
that Heaven can’t heal”.
But Earth is now and
Heaven is beyond a veil,
and I can’t see you.
I’m afraid.
I don’t want to forget.
Any of it.
Any of you.
Not your smell,
your laugh,
your face.
I’m afraid of you . . . Time.
You’re a thief.
Do you heal?
Or do you steal?
Steal my memories,
my senses, my dreams.
I don’t want to lose a single one.
But I’m called to wait.
until that day,
to see you again.
To feel you again.
And so I do,
I wait.
Not peacefully.
Not patiently.
Not yet. . .
But longingly,
expectantly.
And not without hope.
I wait for you
Wanderer.
For you.
Not until you come home,
but until I do.
For John Ryan
1/25/93 - 11/4/17
For John Ryan
3-12-18
Pictures
I look at your picture
my heart contracts
I stop breathing
tears flow
take a breath
take a breath
realization floods
my mind
again
once again
and I know
that you are gone
this is my truth
don’t tell me it gets better
that’s a lie
3.24.18
I've Built a Wall
Keep on working
Don’t slow down
Keep on building
Best show around
Brick by brick
One wall at a time
All squared up
I’ve shut you deep inside
Stop all that knocking
I cannot let you in
I’ve built a wall around my heart
I’ve built a wall to keep you in
We cannot let them find us
We cannot let them in
They talk, they look
They say too much
They make my walls grow thin
I’ve built a wall to protect you
A wall to hide you from within
For John Ryan
3-12-18
I feel invisible
I walk through life unseen
a shadow
I used to walk in daylight
In the flow
In the crowd
But now . . .
Now I am alone
Grief has overshadowed me
made me unseen
pushed me down
a different path
a lonely path
one that people
fear to tread
If even for a moment
For you see
this shadow
it is the thing
of nightmares
A monster
and to see me
is to see the death
of a child
so the crowd slips by
in meditated
avoidance
8.18.18
I WISH
I wish I could say
I can’t imagine
How it felt
To lose you
I wish I could say
Life goes on
After it didn’t
And you were gone
I wish I could say
God needed you more
But He doesn’t
He is strong
And I
am not
I wish I could say
It wasn’t unbearable
But it is
Completely
And totally
Unbearable
I wish I could say
The tears had stopped
But they won’t
They can’t
How could they
I wish I could say
Everything happens for
A reason
But what reason
Could that possibly be?
What I can say is
God is faithful
He understands
The world is broken
Heaven is not
With His help
I can endure it
And I can say
you will too…together
5.30.19
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