Dear John, It's Year Six

Hey John, do you know what's different about year six? It falls on the same day. Heads up for those of you behind me in the nightmare.  It's very weird and it brings it all back in a strangely chronological way.  I don't know how to explain it, and I wasn't expecting it.

Tonight, as I sit here, I remember you coming in from the field, you and I cooking dinner together, and that extra long hug you gave me in the hallway. I miss those hugs so much. What could we have done differently? If we would have known what the morning would bring, what could we have done? 

The morning of November 4 changed our lives forever, it changed a lot of lives forever. This year feels so much like that year, and not just because it all falls on the same days - but the weather and the days leading up to tomorrow have just felt so dark. I am half expecting to wake up to flashing lights, badges, and EMTs. 

I went to Frieda's today with my dear friends from Bible study. They have embraced this tradition, and have been so incredibly supportive on this journey. You'd love them. Of course, I had the short stack with crispy bacon and coffee. 

So, your cousin Brooke drew this incredible picture of Sascha! I wish you could see it. She put your verse on her collar and your info on the dog tag - it literally looks like a photograph. It's a project for school,  and it is so special to her and to us!  It's so heartwarming when you show up - in a memory, a photograph, a comment. Obviously, we think about you constantly, but to have others tell us they are thinking of you and missing you too - well, that's priceless. 

Isn't she beautiful?  Thanks for keeping him company through the night sweet girl.  I feel so much better knowing he wasn't all alone.

Tomorrow I'm going to take Brenda and Allison to the cemetery. Brave, yeah, I know. I usually run in the other direction on the 4th - but since it feels like 6 years ago all over again, I figure I might as well pay my respects on the day. I went to Stacy's Nursery, and instead of picking out a tree as a family, I picked up a spruce top pot for your grave site. Remember how we'd go get cookies and cider and pet the dog? You'd all laugh and say I would pick out the tree anyway. Well, it's artificial now. 

I made some chili for tomorrow. I'm not cooking tonight - I did it all this afternoon. I don't think we've eaten Chicken Kiev since 2017. Probably never will again - especially after reading about the contents of your stomach. I actually went to the liquor store and asked if they had a tiny bottle of Jameson - I thought maybe I'd leave one down at the cemetery. But they didn't. 

Hey, guess what? I got another tattoo. Of course, I have the "I love you" one in your handwriting. But over the last few years, the red Poppy flower has kept making an appearance in my life. I knew about the Flander's Field poem and how they hand them out on the Friday before Memorial Day, but I also found out it's my birth flower . . .and when we were in Israel (which is currently at war), I saw the most beautiful poppy on the hill they call the Mount of Beatitudes, where Jesus preached that sermon. So all that to say, I knew I loved the symbolism of the flower - and then I saw one that Allison drew and I asked her if I could use it.

On the darker side, the poppy flower is where opium comes from - but I thought it was also symbolic of the War on Opioids.  So, the tattoo covers a lot of things: Remembrance, Substance Abuse Disorder, Death, War, Honoring the Military, Jesus preaching "blessed be those who mourn, for they shall be comforted",  friendship and artistry, and in Christianity - it symbolizes the blood of Christ, and his resurrection and ascent to Heaven - so I added a cross behind it and Paulina drew in some leaves and a stem. 

I thought about it for a long time, and I love it, I know you would too. 

Well, son, this is about all I can handle tonight. 

We miss you so much. 

Until we meet again . . . 

Love, Mom