The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

Everywhere I go,  you are with me.  The memories of you, they either come along, or they meet me.   But they are always there.   I cannot escape them, nor do I want to.   I always want you with me, even if it hurts. I go to grab a coffee, you are there.   Iced Caramel Machiatto.   I go to the grocery store, you are there.   Hot sauce, cereal, Tostitos cheese dip.   Did you get chips?   Can you make that casserole? The one with the chicken and noodles, you know, my favorite?  Today I asked Alexa to turn on some music, background noise for the dog, and you are there. "I'm not alright, you're not alright . . .don't let me go". I wake up to a new message, a loss mom . . .she's struggling. Her son also overdosed, we share our stories, and you are there. I see you. You are so cold, so pale, so still.  In your Ole Miss long sleeve.  You're not breathing. You especially hang with me on Mondays. ...

Nope, just a stock photo, not John's room. On the day we lost our son, mere hours after, the pastor pulled us aside for a few moments and shared with us that this type of loss can destroy a marriage. I think he may have even given us the divorce statistics.  I don't remember.  I think he prayed with us.  I don't remember.  I do remember thinking, great, devasting loss and a now a huge chance of a failed marriage besides.  I will admit to wondering about the timing, but I thank him for explaining it to us right away - because as the days went on, we definitely saw how grief can wipe clean everything in its path and leave the survivors hanging by a thread.  And while most of that day and the days after are a fog, his words stuck.  It was a kindness. After 16 months, Brian and I still handle the loss very differently. We need to respect each other's journey and have a lot of grace for each other. We aren't typically the couple that argues or...