The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

The darkness clouds my mind, my heart, the very atmosphere I breathe, even on a beautiful sunny day.  The hole you've left, the black one, the void, it's always there.  I think that's the thing you can't comprehend.  Hearts are fragile, and when it comes to your children, and a breaking or rending, a tearing, such as this . . .well, how can that hole be filled with anything other than you?  For the part that is missing is you . I keep trying to learn about Substance Use Disorder {SUD} and how it affects the brain, the emotions, the life of its victim - and as I struggle to live without you, it becomes more and more clear how delicate the balances are.  When I took the free Harvard opioid class, I learned some things - but one really stuck with me.  The limbic system.   It's the part of the brain that controls emotions, pleasure, relaxation, and contentment.  Well, when those opioids hit that spot and the feeling washes over you - it...

Everywhere I go,  you are with me.  The memories of you, they either come along, or they meet me.   But they are always there.   I cannot escape them, nor do I want to.   I always want you with me, even if it hurts. I go to grab a coffee, you are there.   Iced Caramel Machiatto.   I go to the grocery store, you are there.   Hot sauce, cereal, Tostitos cheese dip.   Did you get chips?   Can you make that casserole? The one with the chicken and noodles, you know, my favorite?  Today I asked Alexa to turn on some music, background noise for the dog, and you are there. "I'm not alright, you're not alright . . .don't let me go". I wake up to a new message, a loss mom . . .she's struggling. Her son also overdosed, we share our stories, and you are there. I see you. You are so cold, so pale, so still.  In your Ole Miss long sleeve.  You're not breathing. You especially hang with me on Mondays. ...