Happy New Year?

I'm not feeling it.  Today has been such an incredibly hard day. I wasn't expecting that.  I was spending time with my gorgeous new grandbaby, and the thought of a new year all of the sudden completely blindsided me. Why?  Because I felt that I was leaving John behind in 2017.  Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, or maybe it makes perfect sense. I would imagine anyone who lost a child around the holidays can certainly relate. I think a poor night's sleep got the ball rolling, but roll it did.  I couldn't stop crying. Couldn't get myself together.  I had to go home. What a terrible feeling that is.  

Ringing in the New Year should be a time of joy and celebration. However, for me, today, the tears won't stop. The year 2017, for us, will always be the year John died.  The year he left us.  The year that changed our lives forever. The year the sadness came to visit and refused to leave.  I don't want to move out of 2017.  Not yet. I'm not prepared for it.  A new year . . . without my son.  

I am, however, very thankful that our little granddaughter was born in 2017.  That way the year won't just end up as "THE YEAR JOHN DIED".  It will be remembered as a loss of life, but also as a beautiful gain.  A new member added to the family.  For that I am grateful.  It's strange really, to just add and subtract numbers from the family unit. We could not be any more delighted for the little one, but she added to the family. She didn't replace.  He cannot, of course, be replaced.  Yes, she gives us great joy and her birth was a blessing and a miracle, but we still lost our son. I feel an expectation from the populace to just "be happy", you have a baby to love. I wish it worked that way, but it's two distinct and separate categories.  I understand the need to remind us of the blessing we received, but it doesn't make the pain of our loss easier to swallow.  

I think it was easier to keep it under control in a different town, a different house, a different Starbucks 😏, surrounded by our little family unit...but grief has a way of busting in unannounced and uncontrolled. And grief is a bully.  He stands on the sidelines of your mind and taunts, pokes and reminds.  You truly never forget, not for a solitary moment, but occasionally you can function somewhat normally.  Until the grief freight train runs you down.  

So, what does ringing in the new year look like over here?  A quiet night of thoughts, tears, and reflection. A frozen pizza.  To all those who have lost a child and are feeling incredibly sad tonight, you are not alone. We have come to see that our numbers are large and growing daily.  It's just so sad.  So painful.  So unnatural. You guys probably feel like life is continuing to march on by around you too, right?  Shouldn't it just be put on hold while we try and make sense of it?  Can we make sense of it?  Can we just cancel New Years?

A couple of things hit me this weekend.  One was our local newspaper.  Our story made #2 in the "Year in Review".  Thanks for the heads up WCTrib.  Opioid addiction was listed right after the Al Franken debacle. Speaking of opioid addiction, let's support the Dan Baker Foundation and let's also donate to Representative Dave Baker, so we can GET SOME HELP! Dave and Mary have been such a blessing to us. I'm thankful that President Trump also considers it a national crisis. I hope and pray that the laws get changed, the walls get built to help keep the drugs out, and that your children stay drug-free.  Our son was the first to die from a fentanyl overdose in our county. He won't be the last.  Prince (the musical genius) also died from a fentanyl overdose.  I wonder if he knew what hit him?  John sure didn't. I hope you're educating your children.  I hope you understand that pain meds are HEROIN. They aren't your friend.  The dealer isn't either.  Don't be fooled. The only way to not end up in jail or dead of an overdose is to NOT DO DRUGS TO BEGIN WITH. You will get hooked, you will ruin your life, you will likely end up dead or in prison. If you are presently dealing with addiction, get to treatment as soon as possible. Please, before it's too late.

The second thing was a letter from the Veterans Administration inviting us to a chapel service for veterans that have died in the LAST TWO MONTHS!  You heard me right.  An invitation to a service for veterans that died in September and November. I wonder if December is a stand-alone month? What is happening here? Our veterans need help!  Immediate help. Not Facetime counseling.  Not a stigma attached to asking for help.  Mr. President, you are the Commander in Chief, i.e. their "boss".  Let's make sure your soldiers know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not of weakness. And, while I'm throwing out requests, could you make sure that injuries sustained during active duty are taken seriously?  That promised appointments are kept? That any veteran calling in asking for counseling be given more than the suicide hotline number and an appointment that's several weeks out?

Well, that's all I've got.  I guess I should leave you with something positive and delightful at the end of this miserable post . . . Happy New Year? 🎉 Hold on, I can do better.  I pray that the Lord would bless you, amaze you, protect you, heal you, and completely envelop you in 2018.  That the desires of your heart will be met, that you will come to know HIM in a way that you never imagined.  I pray that 2018 will be your best year yet!  Pay it forward today, donate to the aforementioned cause, buy someone a coffee, smile at a stranger, hold your judgment and give your blessing.  Don't assume the worst, but look for the best in everyone. God Bless you.  If you have survival tips for this journey, please feel free to comment.  Maybe we can help the ones coming behind us. ❤️