The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

Today was a pretty good day.  We posted the online store to purchase memorial clothing in honor of John!  (Thanks, Terrin & Rambow!) It was exciting to see the design and all the choices.  I can't wait to get the items that I ordered - I think John would really like this idea.  We are so happy to be donating the proceeds to the Dan Baker Foundation so they can continue to help others in similar situations to ours.  Dave and Mary Baker have been a Godsend to us. The minute they heard about John's death they reached out to us and have been there ever since. Their kids, Oliva and Alex, reached out to Kate as well, they are just so incredibly kind.  It means so much to us to have another set of parents who have walked this road, to help us understand what it looks like and feels like.  They help us realize we aren't crazy.  Mary's heart is so wrapped up in this loss of ours.  It's hard for her, yet there she is, despite her tears, st...

Four months ago, on Saturday, November 4th, 2017, we woke up to find our beautiful 24-year-old son, John Ryan, lifeless in his bed from an opioid overdose.  He looked peaceful lying there, but not exactly like himself.  What made him who he was, the essence of him, was no longer there.  His body, the vessel that housed his spirit and his soul, was carefully preserved and laid to rest in a beautiful container, for that day when the Lord's timeline is fulfilled. On that day,  John's body will be raised from the dead, glorified, and reunited with his soul. A soul that did not die.  You'll notice that I said John's body will be raised . . . not his "person".   John did not spend a moment not being himself.  He left that body and his soul stepped into eternal life. He is fully himself in Heaven, without the worldly baggage that was dragging him down while here on Earth.   The one thing you get to take with you from this life is your soul. ...

I'm not feeling it.  Today has been such an incredibly hard day. I wasn't expecting that.  I was spending time with my gorgeous new grandbaby, and the thought of a new year all of the sudden completely blindsided me. Why?  Because I felt that I was leaving John behind in 2017.  Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, or maybe it makes perfect sense. I would imagine anyone who lost a child around the holidays can certainly relate. I think a poor night's sleep got the ball rolling, but roll it did.  I couldn't stop crying. Couldn't get myself together.  I had to go home. What a terrible feeling that is.   Ringing in the New Year should be a time of joy and celebration. However, for me, today, the tears won't stop. The year 2017, for us, will always be the year John died.  The year he left us.  The year that changed our lives forever. The year the sadness came to visit and refused to leave.  I don't want to move out of 2017. ...