What Does a Good Comforter in Grief Look Like?

I regularly attend a weekly Bible Study, and this week we finished the Lisa Harper study on Job. I thought it was a fantastic study on the Book of Job, and I highly recommend it.  Lisa Harper does a great job of explaining with wisdom, seriousness, and humor - and at the end of each teaching is a personal testimony from different people going through different heartaches. While listening to the tragedies and struggles of others isn't always easy, it does remind us that we are not alone, and it gives us hope.  

After we finished it on Wednesday - I was asked to share briefly what being a good comforter looks like.  Well, I had to ponder that for a while.  Will I be able to talk about it out loud?   Don't misunderstand, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of people and the amazing ways in which they've come alongside...it's the actual speaking out loud with all eyes on me that I was worried about. I always say, there is a reason that I write.  Even with my notes in front of me to lead me and keep me on track, I left the tracks completely, cried, trembled, took several bunny trails, and went way over the allotted time.  So, today, I thought I would actually try to do it justice.  I'll try and make good on the request, but this time in writing, where I can edit, and you don't have to watch me cry.  

What does a good comforter to a grieving parent look like for me, as I know everyone's journey is different?  I have decided that it's much easier for me to tell you what not to do, instead of what to do, so this will be a great exercise for me as well - in thankfulness.  I will not use names here as I think that may distract.

I thought about comfort in grief, and to me, it is simply this:  KINDNESS.

The day John died, we quickly had a house full of people.  It was great not to be alone.  Family came, friends showed up, neighbors, clergy, first responders, (in a small town the fact that we knew a few of the responders was very comforting), as well as kind-hearted and understanding law enforcement officers.  They told us what to expect and walked us through the process.

Friends starting organizing food, calling and texting people and started a notebook to keep track of who was here and what was brought.  I asked a lot of questions to the family that was here when I couldn't remember certain details.  That was so nice to have someone with a working brain, keeping track and paying attention.

If you are close to the bereaved, I would suggest quietly asking them if there is anything you can get ready for them - they will have guests, and sometimes wanting things to look "normal" after a death in the home can be paramount.  Maybe they need sheets changed, toilets cleaned, coffee made, dishes done.  It can take a tremendous amount of pressure off of the family.  

Food.  While I completely lost my appetite, I had a pregnant daughter who needed to eat, as well as guests coming in and out.  I didn't have to worry about what to serve, and friends took care of the guests, offering hospitality and serving coffee and meals, cleaning up the kitchen, putting things in the freezer, organizing days and who was bringing what, labeling pans to be returned (use throwaways).  It was a tremendous relief.  Others brought paper plates, napkins, flatware, toilet paper, paper towels, coffee, cream, cups, and other necessities.  We also had several people staying at the lake cabin, and we had food and paper products for everyone.  Bottled water and drinks in a cooler is always a great idea.  We also had a neighbor at the lake willing to inform the others that we would be having people staying there, cars, etc.

Friends quickly started organizing pictures - having them printed to display at the funeral. There were beautiful, large canvases and boards of smaller ones.  It kept us from having to go through albums and find boxes of old photos.  We also displayed John's graduation slide show.  Friends also grabbed memorial items from the house to display.

If you are close, it would be a great idea to remind the family that they will need to think about clothing to wear to the reviewal and funeral.  Waterproof mascara is a kindness.  We also had to find a picture for the paper, write an obituary, figure out who was going to speak, along with many other details that needed to be addressed.  A funeral director is amazing in this situation.  

The sidewalks at the cabin were icy, a friend picked up de-icer and sprinkled that on the walkways. People were lined up to house and dog sit during the reviewal and funeral.  Someone else organized memorial car decals to hand out.

Our son's truck was cleaned and washed by a local business so it could be turned over to our son in law fresh and clean.

The tradition of giving monetary gifts is very welcome at such a time.  Funeral costs are expensive, as well as headstones and all that goes along with it.  The tab for the meal at the funeral was paid for.  Food was sent to the funeral home for the family by a local restaurant.  Friends provided the rest of the food for the reviewal, served it, and sought out family and out of town guests and invited them back for refreshments.

While we stood in the receiving line, by John's casket, friends gave us water, switched out our tissues, had gum in their pockets for us, and kept an eye out for anyone with a handicap that we didn't want standing in a long line.

Coffee was brought to us several times by angels of God.  Someone made a note of our favorites and just sent it to whoever wanted to swing through Starbucks, and as silly as it may sound to some of you, coffee was a lifeline for me and a huge blessing to the girls.  For me, it was the only thing that tasted good and went down okay for those first few weeks, and my comfort still.

The flowers that decorated the funeral home and later the church were so beautiful, the outpouring so amazing.  I wished I could have kept every single bouquet and plant.  Some people request "in lieu of flowers" - we did not.  I honestly loved the flowers so much - I cannot express what a blessing it was. Some sent gift cards for the nursery/flower shop and that was great too!  I really missed the flowers when they died - so I could go get more, or use it for the cemetery, or a memorial gift of my choosing.  We also received the cutest little pine tree. We planted it in the backyard, and hope it makes it. It will always be "John's tree". It would be a good idea I think to hold back a card or arrangement and send it after the dust has settled.  

We were blessed with several gifts.  They were so thoughtful and it meant so much to us to continue to received well wishes in the mail.  I would say one of the biggest things is, keep remembering your friends.  As time goes on, they are starting to figure out that their lives have been drastically changed, and it gets very lonely.  A quick text to let them know you are praying or you thought of them that day is huge.  And by all means, keep praying.  Prayer is probably the most important way to bless the grieving.  A note or a card in the mail is a great way to let people know you're still there. You get all the cards at one time, and while I opened each one personally, those days are a blur - and it is so sweet to be remembered later.  It doesn't have to be a large gesture - but as a bereaved parent, you find that people can be quite uncomfortable with the loss and they simply don't know what to say or do, so they don't say or do anything and the gap widens and grows.  It's already so very lonely, so when friends hold you at arm's length because your loss is so painful it can be doubly lonely.

I would say to not assume that the bereaved have a large support system.  It's easy to think so, to assume someone else is reaching out, but often times it is just super lonely.  I think men especially can struggle, as women seem to make coffee dates and get together, and men aren't as apt to reach out.  I know Brian is very thankful for the guys who call to check in on him, to listen to him, and to be there for him.  Siblings also get a double dose of grief.  Our daughter lost the parents she knew that day, along with her only sibling.  It changes everything for her.  Friends worked overtime that week, as a baby shower had been planned for her, and we decided to keep it on the day following the funeral.  Friends and family from out of town were able to attend, and my friends made allowances for them with food - etc.  It was a blessing to be able to stop for a couple of hours and celebrate the upcoming arrival of the baby.

We had a friend call and offer to make airport runs for us if needed.  

One of the sweetest gestures for me was the offers to bring my dad to his chemo appointments or provide him a meal.  He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a month before John died, and the thought that I couldn't take care of him well, or be with him, was overwhelming.  

Offering to help with thank you notes was a real blessing.  Bringing stamps and thank you notes is a great idea.  A church directory, white pages app, and printing off your address book is so helpful when people are helping you write the notes.  If you are sending a card, it's a great idea to write your address inside the card, along with what you sent.  Many of you wrote "no thanks necessary" - and that is kindness all in itself.

When I left the study on Wednesday, I came home and looked through the cards again.  The ones that really stood out to me were the ones where people wrote about John.  Who he was to them, a story about him, what they liked about him.  Maybe something we had done right in raising him. Two, in particular, came from teachers - they were so sweet. Anytime you can share a story or a photo, that's a great way to comfort the bereaved.

Something I found I needed was a friend to accompany me when I wanted to actually do the errands or grocery shopping myself.  Offering tangible ways to help is fantastic.  Saying "let me know what you need" or "call me if you need anything", is very kind - but the bereaved won't do it.  Not unless you are super close and they are in dire need.  We just aren't capable.  Just today I conversed with another parent of a lost child, and we agreed that taking phone calls sometimes is just utterly impossible.  We tried to figure out why.  I think we landed on the fact that calls just pop up and you have no time to prepare for them.  It's not like making a coffee or lunch date - where you know it's coming and you have time to get that mask on.  It's just random and fast, and sometimes, as weird as it may sound to the rest of you, it is just not something we can manage.  (And she's been at this for 18 years...so I don't think that's going away).  I prefer to text.  It's much less personal.  Use emoji's, we are overly sensitive. But don't judge our lack of - we aren't thinking straight.

One day, I told my friend I wanted to buy a memorial box for John's casket flag.  That isn't an easy job, and I'm sure it wasn't easy to come with.  But I don't think I could have done that without her.  

People who visit his gravesite.  Leave a note, a flag, flowers - or the sweet lady from Olivia who watered his geraniums.  I wondered how they faired so well!  I moved to fake flowers - much less maintenance.  And I don't feel bad if they look battered by the wind.

People who invite you out, come to visit, invite you to a Bible study on Heaven and meet you in the parking lot.  Your presence.

A plate of cookies at Christmas.  Remembering us at the holidays, because the holidays have turned into something completely different for us.  If we could skip them we would.  A sweet friend dropped me a little note on Valentine's Day, and does so from time to time, just to let me know she's thinking about me.

Folks who understand that you might not be able to attend a large gathering of people or if you turn down invitations to functions that you know you cannot handle.

I did make a phone call one day - to ask a friend to call the Compassionate Friends number for me.  I knew there was no way I was going to be able to ask for the paperwork necessary to have a stone made for John at the Angel of Hope Memorial.  She immediately said yes and called them right away.   

Memorials sent in our loved one's name were very kind as well.  There were donations given to Hope Pregnancy, Wounded Warrior, Dan Baker Foundation, Teen Challenge, Project Turnabout, Bibles, Willmar Hockey Foundation, Hospice, Cancer Research - etc.  All great ideas.  Very kind.  We also did a clothing order with a logo our son in law designed, and all the proceeds from sales went to the Dan Baker Foundation.  That was a blessing - and I love seeing the "Sheepdog" apparel worn by well-wishers.

I can't possibly list or remember each gift given to us, but I will mention a few.  Some people are so creative and came up with some incredibly personal gifts.  

• Orchestrated flag at Pentagon flown on Veteran's Day to be gifted to us in John's memory
• Coffee mug with pictures of John and me from Shutterfly
• Teddy Bear made out of his T-Shirt
• The darling man who sends my husband Graeters Ice Cream from Ohio 
• Bottle of Tears w/Verse
• Army helmet ornament and a free coffee on Veterans Day
• Hand knit shawl and baby afghan - crocheted with love and prayers
• Bangle bracelet with John's life verse
• Refillable winter greens barrel
• Windchimes and stones
• Lullaby CD's
• Made a photo album of all the flowers for us
• Plaque and keychain with John's photo
• Necklaces and Jewelry - teardrop, mountain, hope, wings, feather, anchor
• Ornament with hockey photos
• Refillable terrarium
• Personalized, handwritten journal
• Handmade mittens
• Succulent basket for those of us w/o a green thumb
• Wooden church
• Gift cards for flowers
• Wooden statue with a boy and his dog
• Plaques, signs, photo frames - a digital photo frame 
• Coffee cards
• Sent a box of specialty ice cream to Brian
• Books about grief/hope/heaven
• Stories about John, photo's we may not have seen
• A poem was written for us
• Sharing dreams/visions of John
• Flowers sent on his birthday/anniversary of his death ❤️

I know there were others, but that gives you an idea of some of the sweet ideas that people came up with.

I'd also like to add that showing kindness means not posting about death until the family has. Sometimes it comes out in the news before they even have a chance to call family - or someone hears and they quickly RIP on the FB page.  That isn't kind.  No one close to the family wants to read that on social media.  

I think, in closing, I'd like to add that time moves differently for the bereaved.  While it might be 18 months or 18 years, the family still feels like the loss was yesterday.  So, while we might be out more, smiling more frequently and acting "normal", it's always with us - and being sensitive to that is always a kindness.