The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

 Dear John, I've wanted to let these words out for a while now, they've been burning inside my head, and at 1:38 a.m., they need to be set free.  I haven't been sleeping well.  Obviously.  The audible books and medication can't keep out the thoughts lately, and it seems that the window of 2:00 - 5:00 a.m. has become my nemesis.  I think the culmination of triggers lately has pushed my brain into a frenzied state and it's going wild at night.  The sadness, guilt, and frustration are at their peak in the wee hours and I am subject to their mercy. The current trigger, in addition to Grandpa's death, was being told I was "handling it well".  Handling the death of my father WELL??  Indeed, how does one handle death well?  Do you have any idea what that day was like?  Read on. I am assuming what was meant was I am handling it with a startling lack of emotion.  If they only knew.  Yes, outwardly I am going through the motions and ever...

Instead of a single rose from you this year John, I had to search the internet and find “Cemetary flowers” for your grave. You see, son, the world has gone crazy and a pandemic has hit. I couldn’t go to Hobby Lobby and put together a long lasting bouquet for you, but had to order one online. They are beautiful, for fake flowers, and they remind me of the times you brought me a single rose. Or wrote me a note. I miss you. This is an article I wrote my first Mother’s Day, (2018) but never published. Two years later and a lot of editing down to a “kinder gentler” article, and I submitted it to Still Standing.  Here is an excerpt: {“You know what the day is going to bring. Mom posts will abound. Happy families, tributes and photos of flowers and gifts, and an occasional post about a mom who is a little disappointed in her day.  She had high expectations for what she thought her day should look like, and somehow her children came up short. Try not to comment, or ...

Before John died, I had a 3 a.m. conversation with the Lord one night.  I knew about the drugs.  I knew what that meant.  I had been pleading for his life, for his healing, for his willingness to get help, for his trauma - that he would accept counseling, try meds for depression, anything...something.  As his mom, my heart was broken, I didn't know what to do, and God quietly asked: "Do you trust me?"   Do you trust me either way?   Do you trust me if the answer isn't what you were hoping for?  If the outcome isn't the answer, isn't the solution you were hoping for?  Will you trust that I know the whole picture?  That I am the creator of the universe and that John is my child first? I cried for hours before I answered.  I begged and pleaded and I knew that I had to surrender.  I finally said "yes, I trust you no matter what.  I trust you with John's life and I trust you with mine."  On mornings like this o...

I regularly attend a weekly Bible Study, and this week we finished the Lisa Harper study on Job. I thought it was a fantastic study on the Book of Job, and I highly recommend it.  Lisa Harper does a great job of explaining with wisdom, seriousness, and humor - and at the end of each teaching is a personal testimony from different people going through different heartaches. While listening to the tragedies and struggles of others isn't always easy, it does remind us that we are not alone, and it gives us hope.   After we finished it on Wednesday - I was asked to share briefly what being a good comforter looks like.  Well, I had to ponder that for a while.  Will I be able to talk about it out loud?   Don't misunderstand, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of people and the amazing ways in which they've come alongside...it's the actual speaking out loud with all eyes on me that I was worried about. I always say, there is a reason that I write.  Even wit...

In my last blog post, I wondered if my writing was making any kind of impact.  If I still had something to say, or if your curiosity had been sated.  Maybe the dark details of John's life and death were explained and what I had to say after a year was irrelevant or simply redundant.  I wondered if putting my heart out there and struggling through tears to pen my words was still worth it.  Still impactful. I think everyone who writes struggles with the thought that they don't have anything important to say or their words aren't meaningful or helpful.   As a bereaved parent, it can be a Catch 22 to share our truth.  I can explain how certain things make us feel to help a fellow bereaved parent, and yet, at the same time, alienate someone who feels they might have said something dumb or inappropriate. (Which I do all the time, don't sweat it).  So, while it had been very therapeutic for me to write, I just wasn't sure, that week in particular,...

Some losses are not overcomeable. Sometimes no glue exists to fix your brand of a broken heart. Sometimes you are thrown a devastation that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Some questions won't have answers. There are simply things that you can not understand, get over, or move on from. Sorry to let you in on this unhappy truth. In this culture of instant fixes and #happinessgoalz, we want to believe that people can rise from any heart-wrenching loss and claim victory over it. That the story ends "happily ever after", and we can leave the theater surrounded in all the feels and warm fuzzies, our bellies full of popcorn and our minds delighting in the possibilities of a perfect life! We, myself included, want to believe that people are inherently good, broken hearts can heal, and we are going to live a life immune from great suffering.  And, that if we do have a trial, it will be an opportunity to show the world how strong and amazing we are!  ...

This is my desk at the lake. I'm blogging this morning with John and Jesus!   After our loss, we find ourselves fascinated with the subject of Heaven. It makes sense, right? Our son is there and we miss him. We want to know where he is, what he's doing, and if he can see what's happening here. We want to know if he's enjoying his life, and what his days are filled with. Our fear of death is gone, and we look forward to the day we are reunited in our Heavenly Home. For those of you who have never read or studied about Heaven, I think you'd be amazed at what's in store for believers after our life here is done. It's going to be fantastic. In looking back, I see once again the hand of God as He - being detailed and thoughtful, put people in our path and paved the way for us to learn more about his residence and what our lives there will look like. It started with a friend mentioning the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. It was several yea...