The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

I wrote this post a few months ago thinking I would submit it.  I didn't.  Today I found it, read it, started tweaking it, and now I'm not so sure I should post it at all.  Hopefully, it will speak to someone who has lost a child or was disappointed by life. John died overnight.  One moment we were a mostly happy family, and the next morning he was dead.  He was 24 years old, tall, dark and handsome.  He was funny and outgoing, and he genuinely cared about people, He was also an addict.  I hate that term, but I’ll use it here, so you understand.  I would normally refer to it as substance use disorder, or that he died from fentanyl poisoning, but the fact remained that John was very addicted to opioids.  Which turned into a heroin addiction and then to fentanyl poisoning.  The drug of the season.  The mass murderer of our children.   He was in the Army, 3,250 miles away from home, and was ...

Dear John, Year 4. November 4. I miss you. That part doesn't change with days or months or years.  It's still a horrific hole in my heart.  I want to preface this post by saying these are my thoughts, what's been on my mind.  I'm not looking to argue or debate, I'm just sharing how I feel . . . The thoughts in my head have finally gotten to the place where they are keeping me up at night, and I miss sleeping. If I've been good at anything, it's sleeping. So this morning, I'm up before the sun to get these words out of my head, at least for a while. I always go back and read the "anniversary" posts so I remember what those years looked like. Year One:  Devastation.  Court. Utter sadness and disbelief.  Trying to understand and learn about addiction - Substance Use Disorder.  I shared your story hoping to educate others.  Well, the war on opioids is still raging, and it's worse. CoVid had not helped. The isolation has not helped. The dr...

Pick your poison.  That phrase has been turning around in my head for a solid 24 hours now.  Sometimes you don’t get to pick your poison, but you end up taking it anyway.  Did John pick his poison in this case? I suppose he did. When the nurse mentioned I'd be getting fentanyl on Wednesday my heart about stopped.  Can I choose?  That particular drug killed my son.  FENTANYL. I know there is a place for it in the medical world – in the world of pain, but how do you respond to a nurse telling you that you will be given fentanyl for your “pain” when they place your chemo port on Wednesday.  Wait, what??? I felt exactly the same when they offered it to Kate when she was waiting for her epidural . . .she declined.  Do I?  Can I decline that any more than I can decline the weeks and weeks of poison that I am willingly signing up for with Chemotherapy?  It sure makes me think.   Honestly.  I feel lik...

DAY 847 Dear John, Dad and I went to Israel.  You would have loved it.  You would have wanted to stay and join their Army.  They looked sharp in their uniform!   I know people think there is so much danger and unrest, at least us here in the US, but it’s not like everyone thinks. We are all guilty of a lot of assumptions as to what a place is really like.  Weird, really, when you’ve never experienced it for yourself, and it’s all based on the opinions of others and the media.  I felt that way before I went to New York – and it wasn’t at all what I thought it would be.  It’s like anywhere else with people, sites, food, and daily life.  How different would life be if we could all see the truth without all the haze that blinds us? Anyway, I wanted to tell you, John, that I have a whole new appreciation for Mary.  When we visited the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and stood in front of Mary’s statue, there is a sword plunged deep into her h...

Such a great memory - surrounded by two of his favorite girls. As I woke up this morning, complete with all its horrible memories, I had a thought.  When John was about six, we lost him at Camp Snoopy in the Mall of America on New Year's Eve for a brief moment. He and a friend came off of a ride on the opposite side we were expecting, and for those moments, we had no idea where he was. Do you know that feeling? Absolute terror? Adrenaline kicking in, panic overwhelms you and you start frantically searching? Well, his death is similar in feeling, only it’s about a million times worse and it lasts all day every day. You spend the rest of your life managing those horrific thoughts and that incessant feeling of panic. Where is he? Only you can't find him. Anyway, John Ryan would be 26 now - and I thought, why not share 26 ways to remember him or get to know him today.  Feel free to add anything you think he would have loved. We so enjoy hearing about him t...

John, I have to take a moment to brag on your friends.  I got a message from your friend JJ, and it was honestly the best.  It made me stop and take a look back at this week, literally one week in time - and I saw an amazing thing.  It was your friends, John. They just keep showing up in different ways, thoughtful ways, incredibly kind ways. And while I'm sitting here reflecting on it all, thanking God for it all, possibly working through an entire box of tissues over it all, I decided this is well worth writing about.  I know you are not surprised by me telling you how great your friends are.  You knew. You talked about them all the time.  You missed them so much when you weren't with them.   They've included us in exciting news - T&A are expecting!!! I know that was a tough thing for you, being so far away when they were struggling with losing the twins. You wanted so much happiness for them. You were the babies Godfather . . .❤️ ...

I regularly attend a weekly Bible Study, and this week we finished the Lisa Harper study on Job. I thought it was a fantastic study on the Book of Job, and I highly recommend it.  Lisa Harper does a great job of explaining with wisdom, seriousness, and humor - and at the end of each teaching is a personal testimony from different people going through different heartaches. While listening to the tragedies and struggles of others isn't always easy, it does remind us that we are not alone, and it gives us hope.   After we finished it on Wednesday - I was asked to share briefly what being a good comforter looks like.  Well, I had to ponder that for a while.  Will I be able to talk about it out loud?   Don't misunderstand, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of people and the amazing ways in which they've come alongside...it's the actual speaking out loud with all eyes on me that I was worried about. I always say, there is a reason that I write.  Even wit...