What Triggers Your Grief?

Triggers in grief become a part of your "new normal", as if there is anything normal, now, about living without your child. 

Triggers are going to happen, and we expect them...for the most part. Some of them make sense, some of them do not. Some can take moments to recover from, some can take hours. 

I had a scare with my dog this week. I won't go into the details, but for a minute, I thought she might be hurt. My adrenaline spiked and fear rose up inside me to a place I haven't visited for a while. When I had the situation under control, I sat down, and I sobbed. Uncontrollably. I could not stop. For hours. My stomach shook, tears fell. I could not get ahold of myself. I asked for prayer. 

Yes, I love my dog and wouldn't want anything terrible to happen to her. But it was John's loss that was triggered. 

She was with him when he died. 

She laid beside him. 

She was there when he took his last breath. 

He wasn't alone because of her. 

Losing him was, and is, an everyday journey into hell. His loss is torture. My reaction to the situation was over the top. It was also unstoppable and not something I could prepare for. 

Sometimes, you can jack up the country music real loud and clear your mind as you drive to a meeting, coffee, an event. Sometimes that works. Sometimes you disengage, walk away, take a breath. Sometimes, you can't remove yourself, you are stuck, trapped. You ride it out and you hope it's just a few tears and a quick recovery. 

Church last week ended up being a trigger. I expect it with praise and worship music. I now know to expect an Easter service to be a trigger. Christmas - it was his favorite. Holidays. Music. But last Sunday . . . A young man who graduated with John was on the worship team. Trigger. His voice was so deep, so beautiful. I could feel it in my soul. 

He's a big guy, that reminded me of John, and soon my thoughts went to big guys in the military. I envisioned this young man as an actor in a movie about a soldier. Singing with this deep, beautiful voice. I thought, someone is missing out here, they NEED him. Chris Kyle, Seal Team Six, Lone Survivor, are you tracking with me? I could see it so clearly, and my thoughts went from praise and worship right back to: 

Military. Trigger. 

Uniforms. Trigger. 

Dress Blues. Trigger. 

Casket. Trigger. 

I saw the young man and I saw John. 

I saw him and I remembered hockey.  Trigger.

Then I thought, this young man is alive. John is not. 

This young man has lost his mother, and I have lost my son. 

Now I'm crying for him as well and I'm wondering if John got to greet her as she entered Heaven. I think he would like that job. He's a great hugger. 

Hugs. Trigger. 

Yesterday, as I kayaked around the lake, I looked for the hat John lost. I always look for the hat he lost. Another part of him - missing. Trigger. 

Boats and wakeboards, ski's and waves, sunny days and friends. Triggers. 

Then I went by a house where his friend lives. The young people were all out by the lake, sitting in chairs and enjoying the morning. I waved. Then I glimpsed one young man on the end, who for a moment, looked like John. Trigger.  

Someone called out to me, I think. I was already shedding tears and couldn't hear with my headphones on. I think they asked how the water was?  I'm not sure. I responded with "nice".  I hope that made sense. (Headphones are directly associated with my sanity. Audiobooks have kept my busy mind from wandering for some 631 days). 

It happens several times a day sometimes, and it's impossible to prepare for. It can be as simple as a smell, a black truck, a haircut, a pair of Oakley's, a song,  a voice, a ring tone 

or

the dog's head on my chest, 

rising and falling with the breaths

I am still taking... and he is not. 

Have you had a trigger that you were completely caught off guard by?