The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

Triggers in grief become a part of your "new normal", as if there is anything normal, now, about living without your child.  Triggers are going to happen, and we expect them...for the most part. Some of them make sense, some of them do not. Some can take moments to recover from, some can take hours.  I had a scare with my dog this week. I won't go into the details, but for a minute, I thought she might be hurt. My adrenaline spiked and fear rose up inside me to a place I haven't visited for a while. When I had the situation under control, I sat down, and I sobbed. Uncontrollably. I could not stop. For hours. My stomach shook, tears fell. I could not get ahold of myself. I asked for prayer.  Yes, I love my dog and wouldn't want anything terrible to happen to her. But it was John's loss that was triggered.  She was with him when he died.  She laid beside him.  She was there when he took his last breath.  He wasn't alone because...

Last Friday we took our beautiful German Shepherd, Sarge, in for surgery.  He had a baseball sized tumor on his spleen.  The surgery went well, but he was 10, and within an hour of bringing him home, he passed away.  It was quick.   By the time we figured out that he was in trouble, he was gone. I'm so glad he knew that we came back, that we tried, that he was home, and that he was loved.  He never complained, he just loved.  He was such a good guy, our Shep.  I am going to miss him so much.   He passed away on the 8th anniversary of my Mom's death.  In a way, that is a comfort to me.  It's one of those dates that you hold close to your heart, but don't really allow yourself to visit mentally - too much.  I'm the type of person that just can't allow myself to think or dwell on sadness too long, or I'll fall into a place that's much harder to get out of.  However, watching that beloved dog leave this earth was a little ...