The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

The memories that Facebook and Timehop present each morning can bring an unexpected smile, or trigger your grief so profoundly it's paralyzing. Today they brought a smile. And then writing this brought an onslaught of tears . . . We took a family trip in 2012 to Hawaii.  Today as I went through those photos, it reminded me just how funny our kids are.  Together they were quite a show.  It made me reflect on my daughter's journey, her loss, and how often times siblings are forgotten in the process.   On this particular trip, the two of them were sitting on a driftwood bench together, posing for a photo - that I'm so glad I insisted upon - when an elderly gentleman approached and told them what a cute couple they make.  Of course, that delighted John and mortified Kate.   You see John absolutely adored her.  He thought she was amazing.  John was also a snuggler and would gladly squeeze her to pieces.  She wasn't at the stage of...

What does month eleven look like?  How has grief changed, evolved?  To be honest, month eleven feels a whole lot like month one.  I have noticed that my game face is much harder to put on. That I can only handle being out in public for a few hours most days. I felt like I was at work a lot last month, and as it turned out on payday, I was literally there 6 hours. All month.  It felt like it was hard to get there, hard to concentrate, hard to complete the simplest tasks that I've been doing for 18 years.   I find that my tears just fall from my face, abruptly and in unstoppable repetition.  They don't take a few moments to work up to a waterfall, they just start.  Stopping them has become increasingly more difficult.  I find that it's harder to write, still hard to read, and I feel very disconnected and incomplete.  I think a lot about the people in my life, but find it difficult to reach out to any of them.  Occasionally...

.   Yeah, I know.  It does seem a little final.  But here's the thing, we don't even know each other.  We are not friends.  In fact, I didn't recognize your name or your face, and while I usually adhere to strict rules about not adding strangers to my "friend list",  I have been making a few exceptions thinking you might have a child who is struggling with addiction, or maybe you stumbled on this blog and were curious. Whatever the reason was, it didn't take too long for me to see that you clearly don't have a child that has an addiction, or you wouldn't have posted that meme or quote or whatever that stupid bullcrap was.  In fact, when I saw it, I thought who on earth is so insensitive?  Did you know anything about me about or about our loss when you hit "send a friend request?"  Or did my name simply show up and you saw that we had a few friends in common?     One of the reasons I started a Facebook page for my blo...

Today was a pretty good day.  We posted the online store to purchase memorial clothing in honor of John!  (Thanks, Terrin & Rambow!) It was exciting to see the design and all the choices.  I can't wait to get the items that I ordered - I think John would really like this idea.  We are so happy to be donating the proceeds to the Dan Baker Foundation so they can continue to help others in similar situations to ours.  Dave and Mary Baker have been a Godsend to us. The minute they heard about John's death they reached out to us and have been there ever since. Their kids, Oliva and Alex, reached out to Kate as well, they are just so incredibly kind.  It means so much to us to have another set of parents who have walked this road, to help us understand what it looks like and feels like.  They help us realize we aren't crazy.  Mary's heart is so wrapped up in this loss of ours.  It's hard for her, yet there she is, despite her tears, st...

Grief.  That's a fun topic to share on, right?  As usual, I will warn you, you brought yourself here, and reading is optional:)  You are going to get tired of me, I know I am.  Do what you need to do to keep your day sunny and bright.  If that means dumping me on Facebook or steering clear of my thoughts or my person, please do.  I give you my permission.  Someone accused me of being addicted to social media, and writing for "likes." She also compared the death of my son to that of Jesus, and asked if I thought a present-day Mary would have "felt a focus to followers on Facebook or to pings on a blog." (Pings?)  As if I orchestrated this pain to get more likes?  She suggested I get off social media, but instead, she unfriended me.  So, problem solved.  The lesson here, not everyone should try to speak into the life of others, and certainly not without your permission. Furthermore, if it's hurtful to you in your current state, ...