The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

When you are grieving, you learn to plan your days carefully and schedule down days. At least I do, and I am so thankful that my schedule allows it. I know, after these long 15 months, that I will need a couple recovery days after a fun event, a trip, or even a visit to our daughter's house. Don't misunderstand, we love going, it's the coming home that requires the adjustment. It starts as we prepare to leave, worsens on the drive, and hits home the minute we open the front door.   We needed a couple down days after our vacation as well. As restful as it was, we still had to come home. We purposefully drove to Indiana this year, instead of flying, to catch the plane for our seed trip.  It gave us time to process.   We saw new things, drove down new roads, visited new places, met new faces . . . and it was good. Y ou might remember last years blog, "A Grieving Introvert on a Plane Full of Strangers". Well, this year was filled with more glorious sunshine and...

To be honest, once I publish a blog, I very rarely go back and reread it. I'm sure much of what I say is redundant. But as long as it's in my mind, it's just going to keep coming out in my words.  Today I went back, very briefly, and looked at a few of the posts.  Has God been preparing me all along for this devastating loss of a child? Of course he has.  I posted, in one blog, that in the middle of the night, during one of my wide-awake times, where I would panic and worry about John, God clearly dropped this thought into my mind . . ."Do you trust me?"  I cried like a baby. I did trust Him and I still do.  More than ever. I had been bringing John to the Lord constantly. Asking for his healing from addiction, from the recurring thoughts and memories, from the feelings of guilt and self-loathing. We prayed and we prayed that he would be healed.  And he was. Was it the way we wanted?  No.  It was the way God wanted.  Would our way have ...