How Are You Doing Kristin? How Are You REALLY doing?
If you do, then invite yourself over, bring a Venti Cinnamon Dolce from Starbucks, and maybe some Special K Bars, and we can discuss my deepest darkest feelings. You're still going to get a sobbing pile of goo, but I won't be out in public, and I'll get a coffee:).
I'm afraid it's going to be the answer for a very long time. We are all going to have good moments and bad moments. Good hours and bad hours. Good days and bad days. Maybe one day I'll get through a 24 hour period without sobbing . . .but just let me figure it out my way. I haven't done this before, so be patient. This is a whole different kind of grief, and I hope and pray you never experience it. It's unnatural. It's unacceptable. It's a gut wrenching all consuming rip your heart out kind of grief. I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way, and I'd just as soon not be scrutinized for it. Ouch. Wow, Kristin. That doesn't sound very Christian. Nope. But it felt kinda good. (It's called venting people, roll with it).
If you know me at all, you know I'm better with the written word than the spoken one. I'd much rather write you a note than speak my feelings directly to you. Especially if the feelings are deep, because the words are going to come with tears, and I've always been self conscious of my tears. I'm okay with your tears, and it's not even the ugly cry that bothers me . . .it's the way the tears choke out my voice and render me incapable of the words I want to speak.
Writing is therapy for me. It's not easy to lay your deepest feelings and fears out before the general public, especially when your personality is "awkward introvert", but the healing I gain from writing is worth it. For me, pushing "publish" feels like pushing through the finish line tape at the end of a marathon. No, I don't run, but writing about your feelings can be just as exhausting. In my family, growing up, we didn't talk about our feelings. In fact, my moms way of dealing with trouble was often "Oh don't tell me, I don't want to know". It's easier for some of us to live in LaLa Land than to face the reality of the struggle head on. It doesn't make it any less real, it just keeps us from sliding down the slope into the pit of despair. So if I seem to be having a good day, and I'm keeping the reality of the situation at bay, and I'm able to talk and laugh and act like a "normal" person, rejoice! If not, be kind. I'll come back around.
Some days angry is an easier feeling for me than sad. I might be angry about something that was said to a loved one, that I thought was especially malicious and completely uncalled for. Or I might call out some behaviors that were unwarranted during the last few weeks. Or maybe I'll complain about the cost of a funeral (Ryan from HAFH was AMAZING), or why we got a $700 ambulance bill, or I'll be angry about the drugs in this country, or how long the process took with the VA . . .and if I do, let me. I promise you, I won't stay bitter. I'd just rather talk about what makes me mad, then what makes me sad, or to try and explain the giant hole this death has left in my soul. Don't lecture me. It's a coping mechanism. I will remember all the lovely things that have been said and done, truly I will. It's just me deflecting, and sometimes I need that.
A few close friends have asked me how I'd like them to act around me or how to treat me, or what to say/don't say. Here is my global answer . . .treat me normally. Don't walk on eggshells around me. Don't worry that you'll say something dumb and end up on said angry list mentioned above. I know that the hearts of 99.9% of you are truly hurting right along with us, and that the other .01% I mentioned, are giving me an excuse to be mama bear or a self righteous judge and jury. It's all good. Hey, if you were in my shoes, and I would have seen you in the store, I would have taken another isle. So if you need to avoid me, trust me, I get it. I'd rather you work it out your own way than make us both uncomfortable. I'm already uncomfortable. Seriously uncomfortable. The super long hug makes me break out into a sweat (but regular hugs are fine). I've resorted to "take a friend with" shopping trips if I must go, and most days the only place I feel comfortable going is the post office. (I hope you see that I'm trying to funny here, I'm really not an angry elf, but it is the truth).
I know you are all curious about us right now. I get it. My blog views have tripled. I have 40 new friends on Facebook just this month . . .it's how it goes. I apologize to whomever it was that sent me a friend request while the police/ambulance were still in the driveway. I was trying to call my family, and it was really not a good time to send it. I understand, truly I do. It's been a seriously crappy series of events, and I have another seriously crappy situation ahead of me with my Dad. But, we will survive. I have seen the Hand of God everyday in some way. I know He is holding us in His Mighty Right Hand. I have had every need met, needs I didn't even know I had. I've heard from people all over the nation, hundreds of people are praying and encouraging us. John's service has brought about salvation, messages from people dealing with drug addicted kids, new friends suffering through the same tradgedy, and if anything, it has made our faith EVEN STRONGER! Trust me when I say I know that God is walking alongside of me. I know that I know. I've never doubted it and I never will. He is my anchor. ⚓️
My friends have been working triple overtime seeing to our needs. JoLene has been my rock, and all while trying to deal with her own grief. Chris covered us, Nicole has been so sweet and helpful. George shared some precious words with us and was present with us that morning. Brooke is quick to give us hugs, run for tissues and occupy the puppy. Honestly. ❤️ My friends, they were here everyday, making food, serving, helping, taking care of my family, throwing a baby shower! Sue came from Texas, staying up late and sharing her experience, Brooke and Grace ran for coffee, made us drink water and gave us tissues and hugs. Whenever I feel lonely, my phone rings. When Brian wanted town food but didn't want to go to town, friends brought out pizza. When I didn't want to go to Hobby Lobby alone, to buy a casket flag box, boom . . . a text, saying what does your day look like tomorrow popped in? Friends promising to be available day or night for phone calls. People are good, God is good. When I have a need, it is met. When I have a question, someone answers it. I am not the person that will ask for help, so when people just show up to help, what a blessing. What a comfort.
People have been incredibly kind. From donating food for the reviewal, watching the dogs, reconditioning John's truck for Jason, reaching out to my Dad while he endures chemo, providing him with meals and offering to take him to appointments, offers to feed us, run errands, do our grocery shopping, sending cards and letters, gifts, memories. Seriously, I could go on and on about the goodness of people and the love and support that surrounds us. I can't give a shout out here to every single person, but you know who you are. I've had other moms who have lost children reach out to me, which I so appreciate. Honestly, God did not orchestrate this pain, but He is working through it. He is making us very aware of His provision, love and His great care. The churches, pastors, the Bible studies girls, all of it.
People have been incredibly kind. From donating food for the reviewal, watching the dogs, reconditioning John's truck for Jason, reaching out to my Dad while he endures chemo, providing him with meals and offering to take him to appointments, offers to feed us, run errands, do our grocery shopping, sending cards and letters, gifts, memories. Seriously, I could go on and on about the goodness of people and the love and support that surrounds us. I can't give a shout out here to every single person, but you know who you are. I've had other moms who have lost children reach out to me, which I so appreciate. Honestly, God did not orchestrate this pain, but He is working through it. He is making us very aware of His provision, love and His great care. The churches, pastors, the Bible studies girls, all of it.
We will never "get over it", (yes, someone suggested it) but we will weather this storm. In the mean time, we are very grateful. Thank you for your continued prayers for us all, and for my Dad as he battles stage 4 cancer. I will tell you, that having John in Heaven, has made the thought of going that much sweeter. And as Pastor Bruce reminded us, it's up to us to carry on John's verse now:
1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Be on your guard;
stand firm in the faith;
be courageous;
be strong.
Do everything in love.❤️
Thanks for bearing with me. I'm not going to lie to you. If you're going to read my words you are going to hear my truth. And right now my truth is this.
We have lost our son. I won't see him again until we meet in Heaven. I won't babysit his children, dance with him at his wedding, or bring him a taco in the field. I won't ruin his haircut. I won't ask him to make cucumber dip, or help me in the kitchen. Kaitlin is an only child now. Jason lost a brother. George has lost his farming partner. My dad laid to rest his wife, his parents, his brother, his step daughter, and his grandson. My in-laws are devasted. My husband has lost his only son. Friends have lost an amazing shoulder to lean on. Morgan lost what she thought was her future. Sascha lost her BFF. And I have lost my baby boy. The kid who didn't look a whole lot like me on the outside, but if you looked inside, he was all me. I'll miss his hugs, his sweet notes, the way he paid attention to every mood I displayed. Even if I was stuffed up, he asked me about it. If he thought I was sad, he was right there in my face looking to see if there was a tear. He protected me and worried about me. And mostly, I'll miss the way he refused to throw anyone else under the bus, no matter what they said about him. His loyalty to family, friends and country was incredible. He was no saint. . . but he was perfect in my eyes.
God's timing with Kaitlin and Jason's pregnancy makes sense now. Brians insistence on getting on a dog makes sense now. He is always working on our behalf. Trust Him people. He will never leave you or forsake you.
Writing this made me sob, of course . . .but you'll be happy to know that when she hears me crying, now it's Sascha who comes running. I feel like John left a little part of himself with all of us, but also with her. She's the one who laid by his side all night, kept him from being alone, and now watches us just like he would. After all, she's a sheepdog too.🐾
God Bless you all. Have a blessed Thanksgiving 🍁- hug your loved ones tighter. If you feel offended by anything I've said, you read it with your head and not your heart. 💜
We have lost our son. I won't see him again until we meet in Heaven. I won't babysit his children, dance with him at his wedding, or bring him a taco in the field. I won't ruin his haircut. I won't ask him to make cucumber dip, or help me in the kitchen. Kaitlin is an only child now. Jason lost a brother. George has lost his farming partner. My dad laid to rest his wife, his parents, his brother, his step daughter, and his grandson. My in-laws are devasted. My husband has lost his only son. Friends have lost an amazing shoulder to lean on. Morgan lost what she thought was her future. Sascha lost her BFF. And I have lost my baby boy. The kid who didn't look a whole lot like me on the outside, but if you looked inside, he was all me. I'll miss his hugs, his sweet notes, the way he paid attention to every mood I displayed. Even if I was stuffed up, he asked me about it. If he thought I was sad, he was right there in my face looking to see if there was a tear. He protected me and worried about me. And mostly, I'll miss the way he refused to throw anyone else under the bus, no matter what they said about him. His loyalty to family, friends and country was incredible. He was no saint. . . but he was perfect in my eyes.
God's timing with Kaitlin and Jason's pregnancy makes sense now. Brians insistence on getting on a dog makes sense now. He is always working on our behalf. Trust Him people. He will never leave you or forsake you.
Writing this made me sob, of course . . .but you'll be happy to know that when she hears me crying, now it's Sascha who comes running. I feel like John left a little part of himself with all of us, but also with her. She's the one who laid by his side all night, kept him from being alone, and now watches us just like he would. After all, she's a sheepdog too.🐾
God Bless you all. Have a blessed Thanksgiving 🍁- hug your loved ones tighter. If you feel offended by anything I've said, you read it with your head and not your heart. 💜
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