The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

Everywhere I go,  you are with me.  The memories of you, they either come along, or they meet me.   But they are always there.   I cannot escape them, nor do I want to.   I always want you with me, even if it hurts. I go to grab a coffee, you are there.   Iced Caramel Machiatto.   I go to the grocery store, you are there.   Hot sauce, cereal, Tostitos cheese dip.   Did you get chips?   Can you make that casserole? The one with the chicken and noodles, you know, my favorite?  Today I asked Alexa to turn on some music, background noise for the dog, and you are there. "I'm not alright, you're not alright . . .don't let me go". I wake up to a new message, a loss mom . . .she's struggling. Her son also overdosed, we share our stories, and you are there. I see you. You are so cold, so pale, so still.  In your Ole Miss long sleeve.  You're not breathing. You especially hang with me on Mondays. ...

Today was a pretty good day.  We posted the online store to purchase memorial clothing in honor of John!  (Thanks, Terrin & Rambow!) It was exciting to see the design and all the choices.  I can't wait to get the items that I ordered - I think John would really like this idea.  We are so happy to be donating the proceeds to the Dan Baker Foundation so they can continue to help others in similar situations to ours.  Dave and Mary Baker have been a Godsend to us. The minute they heard about John's death they reached out to us and have been there ever since. Their kids, Oliva and Alex, reached out to Kate as well, they are just so incredibly kind.  It means so much to us to have another set of parents who have walked this road, to help us understand what it looks like and feels like.  They help us realize we aren't crazy.  Mary's heart is so wrapped up in this loss of ours.  It's hard for her, yet there she is, despite her tears, st...

Crappy. [edited] Is that what you wanted to hear?  This is the worst possible thing that I can think of living through, and yet here we are.  Teetering between reality and a dream. So if you don't want to know how I'm really doing, stop reading now, or ask the Minnesota nice question, "Hey, how are you", and I'll say "Good, you?" and we can both get on with our day.   Please, don't continue asking me (true story), because, you will end up with a sobbing pile of goo, and I don't really think that's what you want. Do you?   If you do, then invite yourself over, bring a Venti Cinnamon Dolce from Starbucks, and maybe some Special K Bars, and we can discuss my deepest darkest feelings.  You're still going to get a sobbing pile of goo, but I won't be out in public, and I'll get a coffee:).  I'm afraid it's going to be the answer for a very long time.  We are all going to have good moments and bad moments.  Good hour...