Happy Heavenly Birthday!

Tomorrow is John's golden birthday. 🎈Happy 25th son.  I wonder what you're doing?  Your dad is on his fifth book about Heaven. It sounds amazing.  I will read those books too when I can concentrate on the words, because I know it would give me joy and peace to be able to imagine where you are and what you might be doing.  I know Heaven is not what we mere mortals imagine it to be.  It's not a 24/7 cloud sitting party, singing old hymns, across an eternity of boredom.  Not by a long shot.  Brian wonders why we don't hear more sermons on it.  Why we aren't excited about its possibilities, why our attitude is one of dragging our feet to our grave and not anticipating the day we get to go!  God is amazing - we only see a fraction of his creativity and beauty on Earth.  He has an eternity of wonder, of knowledge, of love and belonging in store for those who believe, and to us, that day is greatly anticipated, more so now that you have gone ahead.

Eating Cake!

You loved your birthday.  You loved gifts and going somewhere special to eat with the family.  Last year you met another John Schlegel at the restaurant you chose, remember?  He asked the name on the reservation, you told him Schlegel, and he said his name was John Schlegel, and you said "so is mine!"  So off the two of you went, he bought you a drink, the two of you got acquainted, and we waited to be seated. It was fun. You did tease me about my directional skills.  I would have flunked Land Nav.

I did my best to always be with you guys on your birthdays.  Obviously, your stint in the Army made us miss four consecutive years together celebrating you, but we thought we had many more years to make up for it. How wrong we were.  We really don't know how much time we have, do we?  And thank the Lord for that.  I imagine if you could do anything you wished to celebrate the day you were born, it would be a party.  A feast. Dancing. The Bible talks a lot about parties and feasts and festivals, so I think there is a good chance of that😏  And I hope, somehow, that you know how much you are loved and missed.  I know that there are no tears or mourning in Heaven, so maybe you can't see us or our pain at losing you. But, in God's creative wisdom, I think you all up there still know all of us down here . . . and it doesn't make you sad because you know the way the story ends.  You are dining with the Author and Perfector of your life, your faith.  What a glorious birthday.

Until then, we hold so tightly your memories. We guard them fiercely and protectively. Not a moment goes by where you are not with us. This journey without you seems to be getting harder by the day, and I find myself pretending to be fine for as long as my emotions will let me. It's not easy.  You know that.  You've always known how emotional I can be because you had a heart patterned after mine.  Sometimes I wake up with my head throbbing, and I know it's because I've been holding in the pain too long.  Trying to keep the tears at bay.  I plan my days around my emotions, and when they can't be controlled any longer, I end up here. Writing my thoughts and feelings through a waterfall of tears, and it does help, for a while.  A very short while.

I had John's handwriting tattooed on my wrist, for him.  For his birthday.

Sometimes I dream about you.   Just the other night I dreamt your friend Jancosko and I were at Kate's, me sitting on the loveseat, him standing by the door, and we were talking about you as you sat on the couch.  You were smiling, you looked great, but I don't remember you talking back. For once😏 You were just happy and comfortable to be with us, with your family, your friends. Content.  And my heart knows exactly that. That on this Golden Birthday of yours, you are happy.  You are content.  You are surrounded by family and friends - along with the Heavenly Host and the one who made you YOU. All praise and honor and glory to the Father for an incredible accomplishment.  He let us share you with Him for almost 25 years, and for that, I will always be thankful.  I loved being your Mom. It wasn't always the easiest job, but it was my job.  I will admit, I feel quite lost here now most days, but I know my job isn't done.  

I'm giving baby Daveney extra love for you, and I'll start whispering to her soon about hockey.😏  She's so beautiful John. You would absolutely love her.  Yesterday Morgan came by Kate's, Nicole and I went up overnight, and we all talked about you and took turns holding her.  I'm trying to learn to share.  We miss you tremendously, and it feels like life shouldn't keep going on normally. But it does, and it's dragging us all along with it.  It still seems incredibly unreal and I have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you are gone. Gone from this place, but not from our hearts, and you are close, through a thin veil, a portal, into another realm . . .so close, but untouchable, at least for now. Sending all my love and wishing I could have a giant bear hug. You are always in our hearts sheepdog.🐾 Happy Birthday John Ryan . . . XOXO, Mom.  

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.