The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

You left us at 24, and today you'd be 32.  It's hard to wrap my head around that.  I guess you'll always be 24 - but down here, I'm watching your friends get older.  Get married.  Have children.  Get divorced, a nd in some cases, keep struggling.   I have some peace knowing your struggle is over.  If you were still fighting the same demons I don't know where that would have left either one of us or the family.  It was the hardest thing I've dealt with, other than your death, and I feel like we have dealt with a lot.  But, to watch your child be controlled by a substance, one that changes who they are, takes over their life, their thoughts, their minute-by-minute - it's the most helpless feeling I've ever had.  I couldn't fix it.  So, in one very small way, it helps . . .helps to know you are safe, in Heaven, with Jesus, and we will see you again.   Thank you for making that decision and for keeping your faith, even though you w...

Dear John, Year 4. November 4. I miss you. That part doesn't change with days or months or years.  It's still a horrific hole in my heart.  I want to preface this post by saying these are my thoughts, what's been on my mind.  I'm not looking to argue or debate, I'm just sharing how I feel . . . The thoughts in my head have finally gotten to the place where they are keeping me up at night, and I miss sleeping. If I've been good at anything, it's sleeping. So this morning, I'm up before the sun to get these words out of my head, at least for a while. I always go back and read the "anniversary" posts so I remember what those years looked like. Year One:  Devastation.  Court. Utter sadness and disbelief.  Trying to understand and learn about addiction - Substance Use Disorder.  I shared your story hoping to educate others.  Well, the war on opioids is still raging, and it's worse. CoVid had not helped. The isolation has not helped. The dr...

September 11 th , 2020.  Let that sink in for a moment.  What comes to mind when you remember that day in 2001?  Living in rural America, we saw it all unfold on television.  People running away, fireman, rescue, and police rushing towards.  Chaos and horror.  Planes crashing and buildings turned to rubble. Disbelief and death – stories of lives lost and terrorism.  We felt, maybe for the first time, vulnerable and attacked.  But we came together.  We stood strong and our patriotism was a beautiful picture of unity and love for the country and for our fellow man.  Stories of heroism, of protection, of last phone calls, of the men and women who gave everything to serve, protect, and save.   2020.  Almost twenty years later, where are we?  CoVid 19, pandemic, shutdowns, masks, an election year, riots, disunity, defunding threats, quarantine and isolation, chaos and again...

Everywhere I go,  you are with me.  The memories of you, they either come along, or they meet me.   But they are always there.   I cannot escape them, nor do I want to.   I always want you with me, even if it hurts. I go to grab a coffee, you are there.   Iced Caramel Machiatto.   I go to the grocery store, you are there.   Hot sauce, cereal, Tostitos cheese dip.   Did you get chips?   Can you make that casserole? The one with the chicken and noodles, you know, my favorite?  Today I asked Alexa to turn on some music, background noise for the dog, and you are there. "I'm not alright, you're not alright . . .don't let me go". I wake up to a new message, a loss mom . . .she's struggling. Her son also overdosed, we share our stories, and you are there. I see you. You are so cold, so pale, so still.  In your Ole Miss long sleeve.  You're not breathing. You especially hang with me on Mondays. ...

Happy 26th Birthday, John Ryan😢 John, sharing his humor.  He always had us laughing. Today would be John's 26th birthday. So, I thought I would share some of the sentiments and stories about who John was to the people who knew him and/or loved him, or us. Mostly from the sentencing, but some sent in messages. Many of you have told me you've enjoyed getting to know John through my writing and I appreciated hearing who John was to so many of you - hearing your perspective. So here goes. Keep reading after that for an update on the plea agreement, sentencing, and victim impact statements from January 14th. Who was John to you? John was the Best-man in three weddings by the time he was 24 – and probably would have been the best man in several more, had time allowed.  I lost track of how many people said John was their best friend.  He was also a Godfather,  and loved by many dogs, all over the country. John was (it’s still difficult to use pa...