The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

When you are grieving, you learn to plan your days carefully and schedule down days. At least I do, and I am so thankful that my schedule allows it. I know, after these long 15 months, that I will need a couple recovery days after a fun event, a trip, or even a visit to our daughter's house. Don't misunderstand, we love going, it's the coming home that requires the adjustment. It starts as we prepare to leave, worsens on the drive, and hits home the minute we open the front door.   We needed a couple down days after our vacation as well. As restful as it was, we still had to come home. We purposefully drove to Indiana this year, instead of flying, to catch the plane for our seed trip.  It gave us time to process.   We saw new things, drove down new roads, visited new places, met new faces . . . and it was good. Y ou might remember last years blog, "A Grieving Introvert on a Plane Full of Strangers". Well, this year was filled with more glorious sunshine and...

Happy 26th Birthday, John Ryan😢 John, sharing his humor.  He always had us laughing. Today would be John's 26th birthday. So, I thought I would share some of the sentiments and stories about who John was to the people who knew him and/or loved him, or us. Mostly from the sentencing, but some sent in messages. Many of you have told me you've enjoyed getting to know John through my writing and I appreciated hearing who John was to so many of you - hearing your perspective. So here goes. Keep reading after that for an update on the plea agreement, sentencing, and victim impact statements from January 14th. Who was John to you? John was the Best-man in three weddings by the time he was 24 – and probably would have been the best man in several more, had time allowed.  I lost track of how many people said John was their best friend.  He was also a Godfather,  and loved by many dogs, all over the country. John was (it’s still difficult to use pa...

In my last blog post, I wondered if my writing was making any kind of impact.  If I still had something to say, or if your curiosity had been sated.  Maybe the dark details of John's life and death were explained and what I had to say after a year was irrelevant or simply redundant.  I wondered if putting my heart out there and struggling through tears to pen my words was still worth it.  Still impactful. I think everyone who writes struggles with the thought that they don't have anything important to say or their words aren't meaningful or helpful.   As a bereaved parent, it can be a Catch 22 to share our truth.  I can explain how certain things make us feel to help a fellow bereaved parent, and yet, at the same time, alienate someone who feels they might have said something dumb or inappropriate. (Which I do all the time, don't sweat it).  So, while it had been very therapeutic for me to write, I just wasn't sure, that week in particular,...

I've spent the last year trying to explain how it feels to lose a child.  How it feels to have a child who is addicted to opioids.  I've fought for John.  Explained what happened to John.  Went to the court hearings.  I've gone to the Town Hall Meetings on the Opioid Crisis.  I've endured the "helpful" remarks, the awkward conversations, the odd looks, the whispers.  I've defended those who have become dependent on opioids and I've defended John - what happened, the process, the horrible outcome.  But for what?  Honestly, does it even matter?   John matters , but does all this writing matter?  Does it make a difference? Because it's not easy.  Not easy to let people into this terrible time - this terrible loss.  Certainly not for novelty or curiosity. Maybe the awkward lady was right when she blurted out "Life Goes On!"  I guess for the world it does go on. And for the rest of us, it stopped that day and we...

I am a lover of paper.  Of words.  Of journals.  I have so many journals . . .all colors and sizes, and it's been my modus operandi to write for a few days and then stop.  I think as much as I like to document my thoughts and feelings, what would always happen is, I would end up just blathering on about my feelings, venting, or writing about trivial things when I thought the words should be rich and deep. Well, let me encourage you to write, write anything and everything because one day those words will be important.  So important.   I found a journal that I bought in early 2017, with a gift card to Barnes and Noble.  It seemed a bit extravagant, it has a buttery soft leather cover, it's covered in words,  and has thick quality paper. It reminds me of something old and worldly. I didn't want to ruin it by writing once or twice and leaving it in the pile, so I decided to fill it with things I learned, quotes I liked, prayers and res...