The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

John, I have to take a moment to brag on your friends.  I got a message from your friend JJ, and it was honestly the best.  It made me stop and take a look back at this week, literally one week in time - and I saw an amazing thing.  It was your friends, John. They just keep showing up in different ways, thoughtful ways, incredibly kind ways. And while I'm sitting here reflecting on it all, thanking God for it all, possibly working through an entire box of tissues over it all, I decided this is well worth writing about.  I know you are not surprised by me telling you how great your friends are.  You knew. You talked about them all the time.  You missed them so much when you weren't with them.   They've included us in exciting news - T&A are expecting!!! I know that was a tough thing for you, being so far away when they were struggling with losing the twins. You wanted so much happiness for them. You were the babies Godfather . . .❤️ ...

John - JRTC at FT Polk Words and more words.  I can't tell you how many posts I've written lately and haven't published, or I deleted them altogether.   I submitted a couple to grief sites, just because I'm drowning in them. Usually writing helps me process, but life has been unusually dark lately and nothing that's coming off the keyboard feels quite right.   Don't worry, I didn't send in the super sarcastic ones, with titles such as:  Leper, Snarky Grief, and I Wish I Couldn't Imagine, they are still in the draft file. They are TMI and word vomit.  I read one to my husband the other day -  he cautioned me not to share it.  😳There are too many words and at the same time not enough words.  Not enough of the right words.  No words to take the pain of losing John away. I found this picture of him in his iCloud.  Unfortunately, when the police released his phone, it wouldn't work anymore.  I had gone through it previously, ...

Grief is a weird thing.  At first, you're in total shock, you can't believe what has happened - but there is a flurry of activity, people, decisions, and you just do the things.  Auto Pilot. You understand that something horrible has happened, that your loved one is gone, but you really cannot wrap your head around it completely. As some time passes, things settle down and you have more time to contemplate your new situation. You still can't wrap your head around it, or even believe it . . . still. More time passes, and suddenly it's the first year anniversary.  You take time to reflect, not being able to believe that 365 days have passed, and almost all of them in a foggy blur.  You wonder how that happened.  How all those days have gone by - without them in it, without a hug, a text, a call. You are amazed, not because you made it this far, not because you're still getting out of bed, but because it literally feels like it happened yesterday and yet, ...

Nope, just a stock photo, not John's room. On the day we lost our son, mere hours after, the pastor pulled us aside for a few moments and shared with us that this type of loss can destroy a marriage. I think he may have even given us the divorce statistics.  I don't remember.  I think he prayed with us.  I don't remember.  I do remember thinking, great, devasting loss and a now a huge chance of a failed marriage besides.  I will admit to wondering about the timing, but I thank him for explaining it to us right away - because as the days went on, we definitely saw how grief can wipe clean everything in its path and leave the survivors hanging by a thread.  And while most of that day and the days after are a fog, his words stuck.  It was a kindness. After 16 months, Brian and I still handle the loss very differently. We need to respect each other's journey and have a lot of grace for each other. We aren't typically the couple that argues or...

I regularly attend a weekly Bible Study, and this week we finished the Lisa Harper study on Job. I thought it was a fantastic study on the Book of Job, and I highly recommend it.  Lisa Harper does a great job of explaining with wisdom, seriousness, and humor - and at the end of each teaching is a personal testimony from different people going through different heartaches. While listening to the tragedies and struggles of others isn't always easy, it does remind us that we are not alone, and it gives us hope.   After we finished it on Wednesday - I was asked to share briefly what being a good comforter looks like.  Well, I had to ponder that for a while.  Will I be able to talk about it out loud?   Don't misunderstand, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of people and the amazing ways in which they've come alongside...it's the actual speaking out loud with all eyes on me that I was worried about. I always say, there is a reason that I write.  Even wit...

When you are grieving, you learn to plan your days carefully and schedule down days. At least I do, and I am so thankful that my schedule allows it. I know, after these long 15 months, that I will need a couple recovery days after a fun event, a trip, or even a visit to our daughter's house. Don't misunderstand, we love going, it's the coming home that requires the adjustment. It starts as we prepare to leave, worsens on the drive, and hits home the minute we open the front door.   We needed a couple down days after our vacation as well. As restful as it was, we still had to come home. We purposefully drove to Indiana this year, instead of flying, to catch the plane for our seed trip.  It gave us time to process.   We saw new things, drove down new roads, visited new places, met new faces . . . and it was good. Y ou might remember last years blog, "A Grieving Introvert on a Plane Full of Strangers". Well, this year was filled with more glorious sunshine and...

Happy 26th Birthday, John Ryan😢 John, sharing his humor.  He always had us laughing. Today would be John's 26th birthday. So, I thought I would share some of the sentiments and stories about who John was to the people who knew him and/or loved him, or us. Mostly from the sentencing, but some sent in messages. Many of you have told me you've enjoyed getting to know John through my writing and I appreciated hearing who John was to so many of you - hearing your perspective. So here goes. Keep reading after that for an update on the plea agreement, sentencing, and victim impact statements from January 14th. Who was John to you? John was the Best-man in three weddings by the time he was 24 – and probably would have been the best man in several more, had time allowed.  I lost track of how many people said John was their best friend.  He was also a Godfather,  and loved by many dogs, all over the country. John was (it’s still difficult to use pa...