The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

On the second anniversary of our son’s death, my friend Ronna came by to see us. She shared with me a vision she had of John. It went like this: "I saw the best picture of John. He had a glorious twinkle in his eyes, and he leaned in and said 'Mom, I’m doing so great!' The peace on his face and in his voice are indescribable." As she relayed this vision of John to me, her eyes welled up with tears, but the joy she exuded was palpable. She told me she could still see his face so clearly and she just couldn’t describe it fully – the joy.  This is not the first vision to come from Ronna and her husband David.  I also wrote about David's word regarding our little Davey Sue coming into the world, and he also saw our son being greeted in Heaven by a family friend who lost his life in a private plane crash. At the same time, I received a Facebook message from Allison. She felt led to contact me about a company from South Dakota called Rebekah Sco...

Such a great memory - surrounded by two of his favorite girls. As I woke up this morning, complete with all its horrible memories, I had a thought.  When John was about six, we lost him at Camp Snoopy in the Mall of America on New Year's Eve for a brief moment. He and a friend came off of a ride on the opposite side we were expecting, and for those moments, we had no idea where he was. Do you know that feeling? Absolute terror? Adrenaline kicking in, panic overwhelms you and you start frantically searching? Well, his death is similar in feeling, only it’s about a million times worse and it lasts all day every day. You spend the rest of your life managing those horrific thoughts and that incessant feeling of panic. Where is he? Only you can't find him. Anyway, John Ryan would be 26 now - and I thought, why not share 26 ways to remember him or get to know him today.  Feel free to add anything you think he would have loved. We so enjoy hearing about him t...

   What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!  What does that even mean?   Quora says that the phrase or cliché “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, was originally penned by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, in his book Twilight and Arrows, and it was used as a motto for Hitler’s Nazi youth camps .  He wrote a similar line in a later book entitled Ecce Homo,  just before he went completely insane.   Umm, that's not a motto I want to adopt.  Furthermore . . .  In our case, John's  trauma did kill him.  His pain did not make him stronger.  In fact, it was more than he could bear and it led, eventually, to his accidental overdose. So I guess he wasn't  strong enough , huh?    And now, his trauma has become our trauma.  His pain will forever be our pain.  His death has become our instant replay.  His death is what we try to keep held tightly behind our walls.  His...

Before John died, I had a 3 a.m. conversation with the Lord one night.  I knew about the drugs.  I knew what that meant.  I had been pleading for his life, for his healing, for his willingness to get help, for his trauma - that he would accept counseling, try meds for depression, anything...something.  As his mom, my heart was broken, I didn't know what to do, and God quietly asked: "Do you trust me?"   Do you trust me either way?   Do you trust me if the answer isn't what you were hoping for?  If the outcome isn't the answer, isn't the solution you were hoping for?  Will you trust that I know the whole picture?  That I am the creator of the universe and that John is my child first? I cried for hours before I answered.  I begged and pleaded and I knew that I had to surrender.  I finally said "yes, I trust you no matter what.  I trust you with John's life and I trust you with mine."  On mornings like this o...

Everywhere I go,  you are with me.  The memories of you, they either come along, or they meet me.   But they are always there.   I cannot escape them, nor do I want to.   I always want you with me, even if it hurts. I go to grab a coffee, you are there.   Iced Caramel Machiatto.   I go to the grocery store, you are there.   Hot sauce, cereal, Tostitos cheese dip.   Did you get chips?   Can you make that casserole? The one with the chicken and noodles, you know, my favorite?  Today I asked Alexa to turn on some music, background noise for the dog, and you are there. "I'm not alright, you're not alright . . .don't let me go". I wake up to a new message, a loss mom . . .she's struggling. Her son also overdosed, we share our stories, and you are there. I see you. You are so cold, so pale, so still.  In your Ole Miss long sleeve.  You're not breathing. You especially hang with me on Mondays. ...

Triggers in grief become a part of your "new normal", as if there is anything normal, now, about living without your child.  Triggers are going to happen, and we expect them...for the most part. Some of them make sense, some of them do not. Some can take moments to recover from, some can take hours.  I had a scare with my dog this week. I won't go into the details, but for a minute, I thought she might be hurt. My adrenaline spiked and fear rose up inside me to a place I haven't visited for a while. When I had the situation under control, I sat down, and I sobbed. Uncontrollably. I could not stop. For hours. My stomach shook, tears fell. I could not get ahold of myself. I asked for prayer.  Yes, I love my dog and wouldn't want anything terrible to happen to her. But it was John's loss that was triggered.  She was with him when he died.  She laid beside him.  She was there when he took his last breath.  He wasn't alone because...

An article I wrote for Her View From Home To the Grieving Mother: You Did Everything You Could Dear Mama  – I understand how hard this is for you, as much as one bereaved mother can relate to another. I know your walls are up and your heart is broken.  You’re doing your best to get through each day when you’d really just like to just lay down on their grave or crawl into the casket and die too.  The pain is unbelievable, unbearable, beyond description. This type of loss is a little different. You’ve lost a child, but you’ve lost him or her to a darkness that’s spreading across our land at an alarming rate. It’s consuming our children.  It’s a war.  An epidemic.  A plague. You’re living part of a horrible history in our country and frankly, you cannot believe this is your life.  You’ve asked why a thousand times.  You’ve gone over every detail trying to figure out if you coul...

I am on a launch team for a new Bible study coming out.  It's called Unexplainable Jesus by Erica Wiggenhorn.  It's a neat opportunity if you ever get a chance to do it.  We were able to receive the book ahead of time and be a part of an online Facebook Group where we work through the Bible study together, have a launch party, and help Erica promote it.  Starting June 11, we can also participate in the online study with a group of women from all over the world.  I'm only on week three, but I am loving it.  I've learned so much already.  In week two, of Unexplainable Jesus, which is a study of the gospel of Luke, I was literally captivated by a word that Erica brought to our attention.  Anyone who knows me knows I love words, so for me to be this excited over one, it must be good!  I love how Erica explains the history, culture, and passages in a way that's easy to understand.   The word is  Syntēréō.  { I ma...

John, I have to take a moment to brag on your friends.  I got a message from your friend JJ, and it was honestly the best.  It made me stop and take a look back at this week, literally one week in time - and I saw an amazing thing.  It was your friends, John. They just keep showing up in different ways, thoughtful ways, incredibly kind ways. And while I'm sitting here reflecting on it all, thanking God for it all, possibly working through an entire box of tissues over it all, I decided this is well worth writing about.  I know you are not surprised by me telling you how great your friends are.  You knew. You talked about them all the time.  You missed them so much when you weren't with them.   They've included us in exciting news - T&A are expecting!!! I know that was a tough thing for you, being so far away when they were struggling with losing the twins. You wanted so much happiness for them. You were the babies Godfather . . .❤️ ...