The Portal: Portal-ity Thoughts

To be honest, once I publish a blog, I very rarely go back and reread it. I'm sure much of what I say is redundant. But as long as it's in my mind, it's just going to keep coming out in my words.  Today I went back, very briefly, and looked at a few of the posts.  Has God been preparing me all along for this devastating loss of a child? Of course he has.  I posted, in one blog, that in the middle of the night, during one of my wide-awake times, where I would panic and worry about John, God clearly dropped this thought into my mind . . ."Do you trust me?"  I cried like a baby. I did trust Him and I still do.  More than ever. I had been bringing John to the Lord constantly. Asking for his healing from addiction, from the recurring thoughts and memories, from the feelings of guilt and self-loathing. We prayed and we prayed that he would be healed.  And he was. Was it the way we wanted?  No.  It was the way God wanted.  Would our way have ...

  Sunset on Seven Mile Beach, Grand Cayman My brother-in-law, Chris, sells Beck's Seed. It's new to Minnesota. This made it possible for Brian and I, as his customers, to take a trip to Grand Cayman.  We had scheduled this trip before our son John passed away,  and had originally worked the dates out so we could celebrate John's birthday here in Minnesota, and then leave for Grand Cayman to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary.  More firsts.  Brian and I hadn't taken a vacation without our kids for years.  When John passed away on 11.4.17, we weren't sure we wanted to go, to be quite honest,  but we agreed we could use a week of sunshine and anonymity. We had heard from Chris, repeatedly, what an amazing company Becks is. How down to earth and faith-based their organization is. We had no idea.  Obviously, since we lost John, we've been feeling a bit reclusive, vulnerable and sad. It's hard to be around the people we do know, let al...

Tomorrow is John's golden birthday. 🎈Happy 25th son.  I wonder what you're doing?  Your dad is on his fifth book about Heaven. It sounds amazing.  I will read those books too when I can concentrate on the words, because I know it would give me joy and peace to be able to imagine where you are and what you might be doing.  I know Heaven is not what we mere mortals imagine it to be.  It's not a 24/7 cloud sitting party, singing old hymns, across an eternity of boredom.  Not by a long shot.  Brian wonders why we don't hear more sermons on it.  Why we aren't excited about its possibilities, why our attitude is one of dragging our feet to our grave and not anticipating the day we get to go!  God is amazing - we only see a fraction of his creativity and beauty on Earth.  He has an eternity of wonder, of knowledge, of love and belonging in store for those who believe, and to us, that day is greatly anticipated, more so now that you have gone...

I'm not feeling it.  Today has been such an incredibly hard day. I wasn't expecting that.  I was spending time with my gorgeous new grandbaby, and the thought of a new year all of the sudden completely blindsided me. Why?  Because I felt that I was leaving John behind in 2017.  Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, or maybe it makes perfect sense. I would imagine anyone who lost a child around the holidays can certainly relate. I think a poor night's sleep got the ball rolling, but roll it did.  I couldn't stop crying. Couldn't get myself together.  I had to go home. What a terrible feeling that is.   Ringing in the New Year should be a time of joy and celebration. However, for me, today, the tears won't stop. The year 2017, for us, will always be the year John died.  The year he left us.  The year that changed our lives forever. The year the sadness came to visit and refused to leave.  I don't want to move out of 2017. ...

Grief.  That's a fun topic to share on, right?  As usual, I will warn you, you brought yourself here, and reading is optional:)  You are going to get tired of me, I know I am.  Do what you need to do to keep your day sunny and bright.  If that means dumping me on Facebook or steering clear of my thoughts or my person, please do.  I give you my permission.  Someone accused me of being addicted to social media, and writing for "likes." She also compared the death of my son to that of Jesus, and asked if I thought a present-day Mary would have "felt a focus to followers on Facebook or to pings on a blog." (Pings?)  As if I orchestrated this pain to get more likes?  She suggested I get off social media, but instead, she unfriended me.  So, problem solved.  The lesson here, not everyone should try to speak into the life of others, and certainly not without your permission. Furthermore, if it's hurtful to you in your current state, ...

Crappy. [edited] Is that what you wanted to hear?  This is the worst possible thing that I can think of living through, and yet here we are.  Teetering between reality and a dream. So if you don't want to know how I'm really doing, stop reading now, or ask the Minnesota nice question, "Hey, how are you", and I'll say "Good, you?" and we can both get on with our day.   Please, don't continue asking me (true story), because, you will end up with a sobbing pile of goo, and I don't really think that's what you want. Do you?   If you do, then invite yourself over, bring a Venti Cinnamon Dolce from Starbucks, and maybe some Special K Bars, and we can discuss my deepest darkest feelings.  You're still going to get a sobbing pile of goo, but I won't be out in public, and I'll get a coffee:).  I'm afraid it's going to be the answer for a very long time.  We are all going to have good moments and bad moments.  Good hour...

Today I brought my Dad into the surgery center for a port-a-cath. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I felt compelled to ask the good people of social media for prayer. I typed up the request, and then I hesitated. Why the hesitation? Good question.  I asked myself the same thing. So, I had to do some soul searching. Here's what I came up with, sorry, but I'm keeping it honest here: There is so much heartache in the world; why burden people further. I'm tired of having problems, grief and heartache. No one cares. It might be taken as a need for attention, even though it's not for me. Maybe strong is me handling this myself and keeping it to myself. That handful of people who never post anything personal, but read everything . . .and make you feel stupid for posting. Unwanted advice. Stupid comments. Pat answers. People might ask me about Dad in public and I might cry. But then, I might think about it public and cry anyway. It makes it too real. It make...